US and Iran Agree to Alternating Weekly Schedule of War/Ceasefire
After weeks of battling each other so hard it looked like they might destroy themselves just for the satisfaction of irreparably ruining the other,...
Rural Armed Militia Converts Compound to Ballroom
Inspired by President Donald Trump’s genius tactic to increase his safety against all sworn enemies, today a rural armed militia on the border of...
Alaska Airlines Prepares Pivot to Dog Sledding Just in Case Whole Airline Industry Thing Doesn’t Work Out
After reckoning with the unsustainability of keeping an airline financially afloat if jet fuel prices keep skyrocketing with no end in sight, today sources...
Zuckerberg Docks Annual Salary of 1,400 Laid-Off Meta Workers in Seattle
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg surprised Seattle Tuesday night when the billionaire unexpectedly docked a massive, five-story annual salary of 1,400 laid-off Meta workers in...
Landlord Wouldn’t Have Rented You This Apartment If They Knew You Were Gonna Be All Uptight About Needing a Front Door
A local landlord was left in disbelief today after one of the tenants had the nerve to complain about their missing front door.
“After all...
Millionaires Tax Erases Only Advantage of Living in Sad, Barren Wasteland
Today the area’s richest residents and corporations came together on the Seattle Waterfront to announce that the Millionaires Tax—which would make a small fraction...
Tennessee Legislators Demand Genital Check of Starbucks Mermaid
Starbucks’ bumpy road to relocating much of its workforce to Nashville, Tenn. continued today after the state’s transphobic legislators demanded a genital check of...
New Public Bathroom Startup Innovatively Pays People to Regularly Clean, Maintain Them
The City of Seattle has finally opened four new portable public bathroom units in Pioneer Square operated by a startup company that keeps the...
Judge Orders Everyone to Know This Piece of Shit from Covington, Not Seattle
This week a Seattle judge who ordered the man that threw a rock at an endangered monk seal return to Hawaii for court also...
Local Beach Water Tests Positive for Viagra
A recent tidepooling study revealed today that local beach water has tested positive for Viagra.
“How did we know? Look, we just knew,” said NOAA...
