After weeks of battling each other so hard it looked like they might destroy themselves just for the satisfaction of irreparably ruining the other, today the U.S. and Iran have reportedly agreed to an alternating weekly schedule of war/ceasefire.
“At first we thought the best-case scenario might just bet letting the United States have war on the weekends with more of an 80/20 weekly schedule,” said Iran Supreme Leader Mojtaba Khamenei. “But we want to have ceasefire on the weekends too sometimes, so although I think neither of us like this whole splitting custody of war and peace, I think alternating weeks is what works best for us right now. You know, he doesn’t even want ceasefire – he just pretends he does when all he really wants is war.”
The legal mediating counsel for the arrangement, Abdul Soleimani, said he was happy to finally get the high-conflict national leaders to agree to a schedule they’ll manage through an international court-ordered OurWarWizard app that will give everyone involved a little bit more predictability.
“Are they still fighting about who gets to bomb on major holidays? Sure, but I think we’re finally getting somewhere,” Soleimani said. “With people like this, sometimes the best you can do is just keep them from going nuclear on each other.”
At press time, Soleimani confirmed the oddest thing about the leaders fighting each other so much is they’re actually so alike.
