Despite multiple attempts at just a jump to the left, and then a step to the right, putting their hands on their hips, bringing their knees in tight before a pelvic thrust that really drove them insane, reportedly no one has been able to time warp back to when Dolly Parton, Tim Curry and US Constitution were still alive. Shit.
“It’s just a jump to the left my ass! I’ve been trying this all day because time is fleeting and madness has taken its toll but it’s still August 2026 and Dolly, Dr. Frank N Furter and American democracy are all still dead—fuck!” said exhausted American Chris Peters. “I thought I was pretty close at one point when it felt like the blackness hit me and the void started calling, but it turned out my blood sugar was just getting low and I needed a little snack.”
Peters was far from alone in his unsuccessful attempts to teleport back to a time or even any dimension where Dolly, Curry and the Constitution are still alive and well.
“I want to go back to a time when shivering with anticipation felt sexy, not like I’m waiting for a nuclear or civil war to begin any day now,” said Michelle Anders. “Also any time when it seemed like we had any good rich people like Dolly, villains I actually liked played by Tim Curry, and any protected human rights at all.”
At press time, those who attempted the time warp all day were seen exhausted on the floor with their fishnets lowered to half-staff.
