SPD Arms Officers With Bookzookas to Cover Library Closures
After this week’s announcement that Seattle libraries across the city would have to significantly reduce their hours, today Seattle Police Chief Adrian Diaz assured everyone that the reduced access to librarians and life-changing public...
Shoreline City Council Debates Who Gets to Hold the Giant Chainsaw at Light Rail Ribbon-Cutting Ceremony
Excitement over the opening of Shoreline light rail this August boiled over into a heated debate today at a Shoreline City Council meeting over who’s turn it is to hold the giant chainsaw at...
Seattle Man Tragically Lured by Progressive Housing Policies into Spokane
Friends and family of once local Seattle man Jason Smith are reporting that he has been tragically lured all the way out to Spokane by far more progressive housing policies and they’re worried if...
Semi Bird Continues to Not Be Sue Bird
Despite their best efforts, several frustrated Washington state voters are reporting the unfortunate news that Republican gubernatorial candidate Semi Bird continues to not be WNBA and Seattle Storm legend Sue Bird.
“Every time I see...
REI Reports Record Sales of Affordable Housing
After years of struggling to survive stiff competition from online competitors, today REI said things were finally turning around for the company as it reported record sales of affordable housing.
“Things are going so well...
Shocking Report Finds Cle Elum Actually Nowhere Near Enumclaw
Despite seeming like nearby rural cities that were both named by a pioneer named Cleetus, a shocking report released today confirms that the communities of Cle Elum and Enumclaw are in fact actually nowhere...
SPD to Receive 23% Retroactive Raise, or 4% for Every Officer Present on January 6th
The tentative Seattle Police Officers’ Guild contract released this week includes a 23% retroactive wage bump that was calculated by increasing their wage almost 4% for each of the six SPD officers present during...
Overpopulated Tech Bros Airlifted and Relocated to Olympic Peninsula
With mating season just around the corner, Seattle Parks and Recreation has already gotten to work on relocating the city’s overpopulated herds of tech bros to the Olympic Peninsula.
“The fellas mean well, but...
Chaotic Incident Wipes Out Entire City of Tacoma, Reports CNN
CNN and many other of the nation’s most trusted media outlets are reporting that some kind of chaotic incident this afternoon has apparently taken out the entire city of Tacoma.
“It seems that at about...
Citing Need to Attract More Assholes, SPD Adds Teslas to Fleet
After years of struggling to recruit enough assholes into its ranks, today the City of Seattle said it would be adding Teslas to its Seattle Police Department’s cruiser fleet.
“It takes a lot more than...
