Americans Urged to Vote Early, Hide Deep in Corn Maze Until It’s All Over
Today the country’s leading champions of democracy came together to urge all Americans to vote early as they can, and then get lost deep...
Tennessee Legislators Demand Genital Check of Starbucks Mermaid
Starbucks’ bumpy road to relocating much of its workforce to Nashville, Tenn. continued today after the state’s transphobic legislators demanded a genital check of...
Netflix Releases New Documentary About Whistleblowers Who Worked at Boeafsjkfdsjjajkffdsjfdhfhjjklklllllllllllll
Editorial note: Author could not finish piece due to a severe headache. We would finish it but we have no idea what they were...
Whole Nation Misses President’s Speech Because Jimothy
Despite President Trump giving everyone four days to highly anticipate and watch his primetime address Thursday night, the entire nation unfortunately missed the whole...
Sen. Cantwell Assured Her ‘Love My Bibi’ Tramp Stamp Still Okay
After days of the nation regretting not taking former U.S. Senate candidate Graham Platner’s Nazi tattoo seriously enough, today the Democratic National Committee and...
ICE Agent Finds Right Guy
After shooting two innocent fathers dead in the street this last week who ICE admits weren’t even the right guys, today an ICE agent...
Graham Officially Withdraws from Life
After several calls to do so while overtly dedicating his life to killing innocent people and protecting pedophiles for a modicum of clout with...
GOP Says Mitch McConnell Still Alive, Just Butterfly Now
As pressure mounts for Republicans and the Kentucky senator’s relatives to say if Mitch McConnell is still alive or more than brain dead and...
Gates Regrets Ties to Sex Offender He Thought Was Only Going to Victimize Children, Not Himself
In his testimony to Congress released this week, Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates said he deeply regretted his ties to convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein...
US and Iran Agree to Alternating Weekly Schedule of War/Ceasefire
After weeks of battling each other so hard it looked like they might destroy themselves just for the satisfaction of irreparably ruining the other,...
