After the attempt to repeal Washington’s Millionaire Tax failed Tuesday, today the income tax’s wealthiest opponents swore on their mother’s grave that they’re all still definitely following through on prior threats to move to Tennessee any minute now.
“Yup, absolutely, indubitably and officially packing it up in just a minute here because it’s clearly not worth living here at all anymore,” said multi-millionaire Chet Hastings as he looked out the window of his waterfront home and saw a pod of orcas jumping under a rainbow against the backdrop of the Space Needle, a ferry and snow-capped Olympic Mountains. “Nope, not at all—I may be able to afford this gorgeous multi-million-dollar home, a few yachts, and a Ferrari or two, but not an income tax that makes sure children don’t go hungry at school. So, Tennessee, months-long humidity, river leeches, Taylor Swift Encore songs and Nateland, here we come to escape this oppressive, communist state. Omg—wait, is that the new J-Pod baby?!”
Hastings said he actually was going to flee in the dead of night last night but threw out his back so he couldn’t.
“Yeah, I’ll bet we’re already the last ones to leave their mansion in the state—heard Medina, Clyde Hill and Hunt’s Point are completely abandoned ghost towns now,” Hastings said. “That’s what happens when not having an income tax is literally the only reason anyone would live here. I’ve definitely already called the movers who will be here any second now. Can’t wait to get away from all the Seattle crime when we’re finally in Memphis.”
At press time, Hastings was tying a sack of Fabergé eggs to a Bindle stick and reminding Washington residents they’re really going to miss him and the taxes he never paid when he’s gone definitely very soonish.
