Sun, World Cup Convince Socially Repressed City to Come Out as Extrovert
After finally being convinced by the sun and the World Cup to live their truth, this week socially repressed Seattle bravely came out as...
Seattleites Frantically Search for Plausible Excuse to Cancel Plans with World Cup
Although initially looking forward to it when they put it on their calendars four years ago, today Seattle residents realizing the first World Cup...
ICE to Help Protect World Cup Host Cities from Making Any Money from International Tourists
U.S. World Cup host cities including Seattle, LA, Boston, New York City and Atlanta were assured today that ICE is already on-hand to protect...
Mariners Father’s Day Game Welcomes Dads to Walk on Field and Admire Well-Kept Lawn
Inspired by the annual Run Around the Bases event, today the Seattle Mariners began a new Father’s Day Game tradition of inviting local dads...
Trump Signs Executive Order Allowing US Men’s World Cup Team to Use Guns
In anticipation of the USA’s World Cup match in Seattle against heavily favored Australia today President Donald Trump signed an Executive Order allowing the...
Socialist Mayor Reigns of Terror Continue with Yet Another Sports Championship Victory
Just four months after Mayor Katie Wilson kicked off her Socialist reign of terror over Seattle with a Seahawks Super Bowl win, today Mayor...
Confetti at Randy Johnson Number Retirement Unveiling Just Feathers
As fans unveiled Mariners legend Randy Johnson’s retired number tonight, many were delighted to discover the confetti raining down on them was actually an...
Mariners Marketing Dept. Too Nervous to Hit Publish on Randy-Dumper Beef Bowl Promotion
After revealing a slate of exciting new menu items including a Washington State Ferry food tray Tuesday, the Mariners are reportedly still too nervous...
Hilary Knight Accepts Invitation to Knock Out Rest of Jack Hughes’ Teeth
After sexist locker-room talk led to a contentious week between the US Men’s and Women’s Hockey teams, today the Women’s and Seattle Torrent Team...
U.S. Men’s Hockey Team Wondering If Kash Patel Really Has to Keep Staring at Them While They Sleep Like That
After a second night of FBI Director Kash Patel sleeping in the U.S. Men’s Hockey team’s bedroom, players are beginning to wonder if he...
