Washingtonians Look Forward to Final Ski Season
Today Washington residents say they’re absolutely stoked for the state’s final ski season before the entirety of humanity inevitably spirals into the fiery depths of climate apocalypse hell that is absolutely coming for us...
New Haunted Seattle Tour Guides Visitors Through Mariners Dugout
As of this week, fans of cryptic local history don’t always have to head down to Pike Place Market, Bill Speidel’s Underground Tour or Amazon headquarters for a spooky haunted tour anymore.“Welcome to the...
Mariners Trophy Case Running Out of Room for Participation Trophies
After another fun baseball season of doing their best, the Mariners trophy case has reportedly completely run out of room for participation trophies.
“Do you think they’d notice if we throw a few of the...
Mariners Ask Macklemore After His ‘F- America’ Comment to Be Less Divisive Like Team Sponsor Boeing
Under pressure to condemn local sports super-fan and world-famous rapper Macklemore after he said ‘F- America’ at the Palestine Will Live Forever concert Saturday, this week the Mariners released a statement asking him to...
Mariners Announce Randy Johnson to Be Named Interim Moose
In a continual effort to remind the city that 1995 happened, today the Mariners announced that former pitcher Randy Johnson will be taking on the role of Moose for the foreseeable future.
“We thank Mortimer...
Millions of French People Already Bored of Olympics
As the 2024 Summer Olympics kicked off today with its opening ceremonies featuring exciting celebrities like Lady Gaga and Snoop Dogg alongside the world’s most talented athletes, millions of French people formally announced they...
Professional Pickleball and 5 Other Sports to Follow Instead of Letting the Mariners Disappoint You Again
Look: It’s Opening Day and the Mariners are looking fine and crisp in their new uniforms for the first game of the season. It’s understandable that you’re tempted to rekindle your roller coaster love...
Russell Wilson Texts Ex-City Seattle Just to Check In, See How Things Are Going
In a text he sent tonight just to check in on how his former city lover was doing, former Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson told Seattle that Denver actually loves him so much that it’s...
Seattle Mom Encourages Unemployed Son to Contact Seahawks HR Regarding Head Coach Position
Upon hearing the news of Seattle Seahawks’ Head Coach Pete Carrol’s departure, Seattle mom Kathy Davis, 78, is encouraging her unemployed son Patrick, 34, to reach out to the Seahawks’ HR Department.
“You would be...
Mariners Reportedly Almost Reeled in Ohtani with $200,000, Unlimited Supply of Pike Place Market Fish
Although they ultimately lost out the bidding wars for the most desired baseball player in the world over the weekend to the Los Angeles Dodgers’ history-making $700 million contract, today sources report the Mariners...
