Beginning this week, Seattle traffic cops and parking enforcement officers will be fining parking violations with tickets to Mariners games.
“The typical $80 fine just wasn’t scaring people enough into respecting local parking laws and time limits so we figured we’d try threatening people with serving time at T-Mobile watching the Mariners set new record losses not just for the team but the league as a whole,” said Parking Enforcement Officer Tristan Lee. “So far, even truck drivers who like to illgally park in bike lanes finally seem too scared to keep doing that for the first time ever, so I think it’s working. If the Mariners can lose by a league record of 22-0, or 19-2 even at home, who knows what godforsaken torture they’ll put game ticketholders through next—lose by those numbers to the Athletics? It’s just not worth the risk.”
One local man who forgot to repark his car out of a weekday no-parking zone two weekends ago arrived this morning to the horror of seeing several tickets to upcoming Mariner games on his windshield.
“I have to go to all the home games against the Rangers and the Astros—no, no, no, this can’t be happening, there has to be some way out of this,” said the man panicking as he looked through the Mariner tickets. “I’m gonna see if there’s any way for my fines to at least be reduced to just one or two games against the Angels.”
At press time, just the thought of ever again witnessing the Mariners being up by 1 in the eighth as Andres Munoz is sent in to close has reportedly already reduced citywide parking violations by 22 percent.
