The US Men’s World Cup loss to Belgium was completely ruined Monday night by perfect Seattle summer weather that made it impossible for fans to immediately indulge in any form of genuine self-pity.
“Ugh, as if it’s not bad enough that the US is out, so is The Mountain—ah, fuck, it’s beautiful,” said local Team USA fan Chris Swanson. “How am I even going to begin to get depressed that what could have been an even longer and more historic World Cup run for the US is over when Elliott Bay is shimmering next to he Seattle Waterfront at sunset like that? If I don’t find a dark bar playing Soundgarden to hide in soon I’m afraid I might end up having the best night of my life literally dancing in the moonlight to Dancing in the Moonlight with a bunch of Belgians.”
People who traveled to Seattle from other states currently sweltering in suffocating heat also said the perfect temperature here made it impossible for them to be sad they went so far out of their way to see their team lose.
“I should be feeling like an idiot right now for spending all that money and vacation time to see this World Cup match and instead I’ve fallen so in love with Seattle I’m doing apartment tours instead of the Underground Tour tomorrow,” said Californian Nick Garcia. “The way the Olympics look right now is just disrespectful.”
At press time, Seattle’s perfect weather and scenery continued to ruin anyone’s ability to sulk as the waterfront was visited by a pod of orcas with a new baby calf.
