As pressure mounts for Republicans and the Kentucky senator’s relatives to say if Mitch McConnell is still alive or more than brain dead and on life support, today his closest confidants confirmed he is very much still alive, just as a butterfly now.
“You know, sometimes when I’m sipping a mint julep on the back patio, he flies right up to me and I say, ‘Hey, Mitch! How’s it going?’ Trust me, his ol’ familiar blank stare is as still and frozen as ever—still loves licking and sucking overripe oranges too,” said Republican strategist Scott Jennings looking wistfully up at the sky with a sentimental grin. “Always seems to fly up to me right when I need him most—oh, Mitch.”
Wyoming Sen. John Barrasso also said he’d recently been visited by McConnell in his final imago form.
“All of you kept making fun of Mitch’s neck when all along he was just doing his best to survive a decades-long larval stage,” said a tearful Sen. Barrasso. “The only reason he wasn’t available to talk for much of the last few months was because he was in a medically supervised chrysalis, not a vampire coffin as so many fake news outlets have reported. I actually had the honor of getting to witness him emerge from it—his soft, damp wings still clinging to his new, naked body. It was glorious.”
At press time, McConnell aides were still fighting rumors that most adult butterflies only live two to four weeks.
