After several calls to do so while overtly dedicating his life to killing innocent people and protecting pedophiles for a modicum of clout with the worst people alive, South Carolina U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham has officially withdrawn from life.
“This is incredibly difficult because I know some will think me withdrawing from life is proof of karma, but it most certainly is not—just look around at who isn’t burning in hell with me yet,” said Graham in a video posted on social media next to a turtle eternally stuck on its back for some reason. “Just happened to enjoy the wrong batch of tossed salad.”
Although the time of his passing wasn’t his or karma’s choice, Graham admitted in the video that it also wasn’t the worst time to go either.
“First Mitch kept hogging all the attention, and then this other Graham guy tried to outdo me as the worst Graham on the planet? Clearly even Satan didn’t think that was fair,” Graham said, as the furiously wobbling turtle suddenly froze. “Also, I really doubt there’s actually any worse hell than living to see me lose my Senate race to a Democratic woman like Annie Andrews.”
Taking that as a challenge upon overhearing it, Satan promptly condemned Graham to pretend he’s straight for all time.
