U.S. World Cup host cities including Seattle, LA, Boston, New York City and Atlanta were assured today that ICE is already on-hand to protect them all from making any money from international tourists.
“Just like at the airports earlier this year, we’re here whenever a city needs help fighting the scourge of toururism,” said ICE Agent Dick Smoll. “According to our intel, countless foreign toururists were planning to fly here and blow millions of dollars at hotels, restaurants and other Downtown businesses—that is until we reminded them all we’d be around. And if any are planning on still coming and attacking US cities with money that local businesses desperately need right now, our friends at GEO Group have got some Tacoma accommodations for them alright.”
Local tourism experts confirm that ICE’s violent presence has helped immensely with keeping hotel bookings much lower than expected during World Cup festivities.
“I was afraid at first we’d be overwhelmed with waves of international tourists from across the globe ready to spend all their disposable income during their stay here in Seattle,” said Visit Seattle spokesperson Jamie Wagoner. “Thankfully, ongoing images and video of ICE violating the rights of immigrants and even people born here seem to be keeping them all far, far away or at least threatening Canadian and Mexican host cities with economic boosts.”
At press time, ICE was also working on protecting the U.S. host cities from any international soccer team players and coaches threatening to play matches to sold-out crowds.
