Sen. Cantwell Assured Her ‘Love My Bibi’ Tramp Stamp Still Okay
After days of the nation regretting not taking former U.S. Senate candidate Graham Platner’s Nazi tattoo seriously enough, today the Democratic National Committee and...
World Cup Tourist Blissfully Unaware Every Seattle Limebike Seat Now Covered in Fremont Taintjuice
One World Cup tourist blissfully unaware every Limebike seat he rode on today was covered in a naked Fremont Solstice Parade reveler’s taintjuice over...
Seattleites Frantically Search for Plausible Excuse to Cancel Plans with World Cup
Although initially looking forward to it when they put it on their calendars four years ago, today Seattle residents realizing the first World Cup...
ICE to Help Protect World Cup Host Cities from Making Any Money from International Tourists
U.S. World Cup host cities including Seattle, LA, Boston, New York City and Atlanta were assured today that ICE is already on-hand to protect...
Socialist Mayor Reigns of Terror Continue with Yet Another Sports Championship Victory
Just four months after Mayor Katie Wilson kicked off her Socialist reign of terror over Seattle with a Seahawks Super Bowl win, today Mayor...
Study Finds Siren-Related Deaths Among Sailors Way Down
In more proof that crime rates aren’t as high as people make them seem sometimes, today a study confirmed that Siren-related deaths among sailors...
Socialist Exiled from D&D Group After Trying to Split Party Again
After eight months of gaming session, local socialist Alex Raymond is once again looking for a new Dungeons & Dragons group because his attempts...
Sun-drunk Seattleite Accidentally Says ‘Hello’ to Stranger
In an embarrassing lapse of character, today a Seattle man who clearly had one too many hours out in the sunshine accidentally said “hello”...
‘White Female Mamdani’ Mayor of Seattle Caught Blowing Taxpayer Money on Personal Limousine
Fury took over the city of Seattle this week after its “White Female Mamdani” mayor, Katie Wilson, was caught blowing precious taxpayer dollars on...
Zuckerberg Docks Annual Salary of 1,400 Laid-Off Meta Workers in Seattle
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg surprised Seattle Tuesday night when the billionaire unexpectedly docked a massive, five-story annual salary of 1,400 laid-off Meta workers in...
