‘You Didn’t See Shit,’ Local Says to California Tourist Witnessing Sunny Seattle Spring
As locals basked in sunshine utterly surrounded by greenery, flowers, sparkling waters, and unbeatable snow-capped mountain views almost too beautiful together to be true, one visitor from California witnessing Seattle’s alleged secret spring was...
Uber Eats Driver Frantically Delivering 15k Crab Cakes for Virtual Bite of Seattle
Following its announcement that it would go virtual this year, the annual Bite of Seattle has called upon a lone Uber Eats driver to frantically deliver a festival's worth of crab cakes to satisfy...
Local Man Fondly Recalls When Seattle Residents Could Actually Afford Homes to Do Drugs In
Lemonade in-hand as grandchildren gathered around his porch rocking chair, today Seattle native Allan Smith happily reminisced on the days of yore when Seattle residents were actually able to purchase the homes they did drugs...
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Seattle Wishes Retiring Steve Pool Well As He Flicks Off Weather Control Device for Last Time
Steve Pool, weather reporter and one of Seattle’s most beloved figures, retired today after 40 years of service. As he left the office, Steve sheepishly admitted that he hadn’t been able to switch off...
Woodland Park Zoo Publicly Apologizes for Inviting Ozzy Osbourne to Perform at ZooTunes
Woodland Park Zoo has issued an apology today after heavy metal pioneer Ozzy Osbourne was caught trying to eat several bats housed in the nocturnal exhibit during his performance at the ZooTunes concert series.
“We...
Seattle Parks Agrees to Turn Its Children’s Playground Proposal for Gay Nude Beach Into Adult Playground
After the local LGBTQ+ community came out strong against a city proposal to build a new children’s playground at a longtime gay nude beach, today Seattle Parks announced it wanted to apologize for not...
Dog-Owning, Mountain-Climbing Brewmaster Realizes He Hates Dogs, Mountains, Beer
In a moment of inconvenient clarity atop Vesper Peak, one local man who has made his entire personality a combination of dogs, mountaineering, and brewing beer made the extremely unfortunate personal realization today that...
Ferry Runs Aground After Seafair Pirates Force Captain to Walk the Plank
A state ferry sustained heavy damage and ran aground in West Seattle today after the beloved Seafair Pirates commandeered the ferry and forced the captain to walk the plank.
“Arr, well Seafair be canceled for...
36-Year-Old Son Panics, Reverts to Giving Mom Finger Painting
In a frightened, last-ditch effort to surprise his mommy with the perfect Mother’s Day gift, local 36-year-old man and State Farm agent Zeke Gibson presented his mother with a treasure trove of finger paintings...
