Seattle Parks Says Fuck It, All Parks Are Dog Parks
Today Seattle Parks and Recreation announced its new “You Know What? Fuck It” policy permanently designating all city-owned parks as off-leash dog parks.
“Most park lovers may have noticed that the city unofficially said fuck...
Seattle Parks Agrees to Turn Its Children’s Playground Proposal for Gay Nude Beach Into Adult Playground
After the local LGBTQ+ community came out strong against a city proposal to build a new children’s playground at a longtime gay nude beach, today Seattle Parks announced it wanted to apologize for not...
Climate Change Officially Undeniable as Mariners Catch Fire for First Time in Ages
A worldwide consortium of scientists confirmed this morning that climate change is officially undeniable after even the Mariners caught fire for the first time in ages last night.
“Unfortunately, there just isn’t any other way...
Upper Middle Class White Men Finally Have Safe Space to Gather This Week at Seattle Boat Show
After a harrowing year of having no other safe space to gather, local upper middle class white men will once again finally have a place to discuss the issues plaguing their community with the...
Gum Wall Begins to Disappear as Vaccinated Residents Think ‘Sure, What the Hell’
Post Alley has transformed into a scene straight out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory today as vaccinated adults ravage the once-beloved landmark, nibbling on gum that has lived on the wall since the...
Sara Nelson Fills Vacant Seattle City Council Seat With Concrete Eco-Block
Today Seattle City Council President Sara Nelson announced her decision to fill Teresa Mosqueda’s vacant council seat with Concrete Eco-Block, one of the several concrete blocks that have been illegally stationed outside of Nelson's...
Mass Exodus of Unvaccinated Cops to Finally Protect and Serve Community
After years of being asked to protect and serve the City of Seattle, at least a third of Seattle Police Department officers say they’re finally ready to do it via a mass exodus when...
Local Man Fondly Recalls When Seattle Residents Could Actually Afford Homes to Do Drugs In
Lemonade in-hand as grandchildren gathered around his porch rocking chair, today Seattle native Allan Smith happily reminisced on the days of yore when Seattle residents were actually able to purchase the homes they did drugs...
Whoa! Seattle Man Wearing Carhartt Overalls Actually Has Done Single Day of Manual Labor in Entire Life
Defying all stereotypes of relatively affluent people co-opting working-class attire to look like affluent people who don’t want to seem too affluent but still obviously kind of are, one Seattle man wearing Carhartt overalls...
Sound Transit Clarifies People Can Soon Ride Lines 1 and 2, Not Go Number 1 and 2
Jubilation across the Seattle area that people would soon finally be able to go number one or two at any of Sound Transit’s light rail stations was cut short today after the transit agency...
