Today Seattle continued to mourn the closure of several Starbucks cafes as their old locations sadly began to fill with small businesses serving infinitely better coffee, pastries and ambience.
“Every time I step up to this beautiful Groundskeeper Cafe with Stamp Act beans and a cute Dachsund mascot at the Seattle Armory, I just miss how easy it used to be to not buy anything at this spot at all because it was Starbucks,” said Olivia Lane as she picked up a latte that actually tastes good. “And latte art? This awful cafe is clearly lovebombing me—this is bad! Never had to worry about being too obsessed with Starbucks.”
An even heavier blow came to Ballard this week when they learned Starbucks’ old location on Market would be soon replaced with Petit Pierre Bakery.
“Oh you thought Starbucks was evil? Petit Pierre is opening in early 2027 with not just their croissant supreme but fresh-baked baguettes, right when everyone’s trying so hard to keep their New Year’s resolutions to at least drop their holiday weight,” said angry Ballard resident Holly Miller. “Just gonna play right in the face of everyone walking out of Ballard Fitness—now that is criminal and should be against the law. But nooo everyone in Seattle had to be so anti-corporate, pro-union, pro-small business, all while demanding coffee that isn’t burnt and pastries that have been sitting around for days. Well, actions have consequences and now here we are! More proof Seattle is dying if they can’t keep themselves from eating at these places too often.”
The city’s grief is reportedly far from over as Anchorhead Coffee moves into the corporate coffee giant’s old spot in West Seattle Junction and Dutch Bros replaces the SODO Starbucks drive-thru just north of Costco.
