In a loving tribute to legendary songwriter, actor, business leader and philanthropist Dolly Parton, today the nation came together to almost kill their sexist 9-to-5 bosses several different times in several different delightful ways.
“I didn’t have any rat poison to ‘accidentally’ put in his coffee today but we did have some Starbucks so I put that in his mug,” said Evelyn Wendel of what she did to her sexist marketing director boss today after she heard Parton had passed. “I thought for sure I’d killed him, but when he walked out of his office only looking a little woozy, I was kind of relieved. After all, just like Dolly, we should never sink to be as low and horrible as our oppressors – we should just fantasize about being horrible to them so much that it becomes the inspiration for a classic movie and song already treasured by many generations and for sure many more to come so they can also fantasize about killing their oppressors.”
Across the nation, sexist 9 to 5 bosses experienced narrowly surviving being tossed out of windows, pushed under busses, impaled by tridents, and being added to never-ending Zoom calls with the company’s worst client.
“As is the case with every sexist 9 to 5 boss, there’s always some dirt you can get on him to prevent getting reported for not using a stapler as intended and attempted murder—it’s just one of the many things heroes like Dolly taught us,” said Sarah Vickers, who hogtied her boss and left him to roast on a patio outside today. “In the time he wasn’t in the office today, morale and productivity jumped so high at our company, he’s apparently already been recruited by Amazon where I’m sure he’ll have a lot of fun working from nine to midnight, never to be seen by a single soul outside of work again.”
At press time, the nation confessed that if they hadn’t killed their boss, they’re not actually sure whose body is in their car trunk but they do hope one of them is Mitch McConnell’s.
