With a listless sigh and helpless shrug, today multi-trillion-dollar Alphabet subsidiary Google Maps pre-emptively bent over and renamed Seattle’s Lake Union to Lake Confederacy.
“What do you want us to do about it?” asked one of Google’s South Lake Confederacy workers making $250k a year. “We’re just trying to get as many of the potential renamings over with as soon as possible like pulling off a band-aid. I asked Google Gemini if there were other options but it just told me resistance is futile and that I should rename Lake Washington to Lake Davis next, so I did.”
Google executives say their hands are tied whenever President Donald Trump asks for a map name change.
“We may technically have a lot of power and leverage in the world, but that doesn’t mean we’ll ever have the balls to use it for any cause other than making as much money as possible,” said Google CEO Sundhar Pichai. “We’re no MapQuest.”
At press time, residents throughout the state of Davis were fighting to reverse the state name back to the last name of a relatively less shitty slave owner.
