Today it became abundantly clear that one area father’s kink is watching a huge blonde birch take a big, leafy dump on his front lawn.
“Any day now, that blonde beauty is going to take a huge leafy dump all over my perfectly manicured lawn, just absolutely wreck it,” said Lawson, moaning slightly as autumn’s first leaf hits the grass. “You know … I haven’t been composting correctly, and sometimes I just throw the grass clippings in the garbage. I’ve been a naughty boy, and I deserve what’s coming to me. Yeah, fuck my lawn up, you big, beautiful birch.”
Lawson’s preoccupation with the sultry tree hasn’t gone unnoticed with his family, who is becoming increasingly concerned with his arboreal obsession.
“I’m starting to worry about my Todd, he starts acting so strange every October,” said Margaret Lawson, Todd’s wife of 26 years. “He just stands out there sometimes, watching that tree sway in the wind while mindlessly playing with his rake. It seems harmless, but something about it just doesn’t seem right. He won’t even let the kids jump in the pile of leaves, he just rolls around in there himself. Sometimes he’s in there for hours. I just want my husband back.”
Margaret later told reporters that Todd had been called away for a business trip to New England.
