Business leaders across the city came together today to accuse Seattle Mayor Katie Wilson of being a witch after somehow making both a bus route and car traffic on one of the city’s busiest streets faster at the same time.
“Witchcraft is literally the only way adding a bus-only lane on Denny Way could benefit both the Route 8 bus and cars, that’s just a fact,” said Downtown Seattle Association CEO Jon Scholes, who along with many critics suspected nothing less than traffic armageddon after its installation this summer. “And, sure, maybe it looks like a win-win situation for everyone, but at what cost? I don’t even want to think of how many chalices of NIMBY blood it took to paint that bus-only lane red. How many more Tree Action members will she have to hunt to repaint it in the future?”
Mayor Wilson’s office refuted the accusations of using urbanist spells to improve public transit in ways that ultimately benefit everyone.
“It’s not witchcraft or rocket science – we just finally allowed some traffic engineers to improve the configuration of a street that honestly couldn’t have become a worst nightmare for everyone than it already was,” said Mayor Wilson in a statement. “I made this happen through legislation, not incantations urbanists and I chanted in the woods as reported by KOMO, KUOW, and The Seattle Times.”
At press time, local business leaders were still sure Mayor Wilson was a witch after she somehow survived walking around Downtown Seattle.
