Washington Elects Nation’s First Fergalicious Governor
History was made tonight when Washington state elected the nation’s first-ever Fergalicious governor, Bob Ferguson.
“Our campaign and my upper back humps took our lovely little lumps, but tonight we can say we’ve finally broken...
Report: Chasing Approval of Total Dick Still Bad Idea
A groundbreaking report out today sent shockwaves throughout the will never learn their damn lesson community after it conclusively confirmed that chasing for approval from a total Capitol-D Dick is still a bad idea.
“We’re...
Boeing Threatens Striking Workers with Airline Tickets
After striking IAMAW members voted to reject the latest labor deal by 64%, Boeing is now threatening the union with airline tickets on Boeing aircrafts.
“CEO Kelly Ortberg basically just put a bloody horse head...
SPD Recruitment Test Standards Lowered to Just Coloring Inside the Thin Blue Line
With Seattle Police Department recruitment flagging despite throwing most of the city budget at them, the SPD announced plans to boost enrollment by lowering the testing standards to just coloring within the thin blue...
Everybody Run: The Cat Learned How to Hold a Knife
One local family was sent running away in a frenzied panic Tuesday night after their cat ‘Mewcifer’ suddenly learned how to hold a knife and began brandishing it menacingly around the house.
"Mewcifer, JD isn't...
PAX West Attendees Devoured by GameShark
Today tragedy struck PAX West, the largest gaming convention on the West Coast, when a number of attendees were devoured by GameShark."I don't know how to put it into words—all I can say is...
CEOs Concerned Employees Are ‘Quiet Profiting’ Off Their Labor
The business world was set into a panic today after a new report revealed CEOs have found evidence that their employees have begun doing something called “quiet profiting” off of their own labor.
“Do you...
Half of America Celebrates Independence Day by Moving to Canada
Millions of Americans celebrated Independence Day today by patriotically packing everything they own up and moving out to live on their own in Canada.
“You babies all think you’re so independent blowing up fireworks when...
Congress Rushes to Draft Emergency Legislation on Israel-Palestine War to Ban Macklemore
Afraid support for Israel’s relentless assaults on Palestine could further wane without taking quick action, Congress is reportedly rushing to draft bipartisan emergency legislation that would once and for all ban Macklemore.
“We banned TikTok...
‘You Didn’t See Shit,’ Local Says to California Tourist Witnessing Sunny Seattle Spring
As locals basked in sunshine utterly surrounded by greenery, flowers, sparkling waters, and unbeatable snow-capped mountain views almost too beautiful together to be true, one visitor from California witnessing Seattle’s alleged secret spring was...
