Congress Rushes to Draft Emergency Legislation on Israel-Palestine War to Ban Macklemore
Afraid support for Israel’s relentless assaults on Palestine could further wane without taking quick action, Congress is reportedly rushing to draft bipartisan emergency legislation that would once and for all ban Macklemore.
“We banned TikTok...
‘You Didn’t See Shit,’ Local Says to California Tourist Witnessing Sunny Seattle Spring
As locals basked in sunshine utterly surrounded by greenery, flowers, sparkling waters, and unbeatable snow-capped mountain views almost too beautiful together to be true, one visitor from California witnessing Seattle’s alleged secret spring was...
Boeing Stock Rebounds After Front Half of 737 MAX Lands Safely
After countless potentially deadly mechanical issues tanked the once stellar safety reputation of the nation’s only commercial airplane manufacturer, this morning Boeing stocks finally rebounded for the first time in months after the entire...
Kinky! This Winter Rain Prefers Edging Just Above the Freezing Point to Blowing a Load of Snow
No one has made more of a splash in the Seattle kink scene this season than local BDSM queen Winter Rain, who has spent the entire season edging just above the freezing point to...
Sound Transit Clarifies People Can Soon Ride Lines 1 and 2, Not Go Number 1 and 2
Jubilation across the Seattle area that people would soon finally be able to go number one or two at any of Sound Transit’s light rail stations was cut short today after the transit agency...
Sara Nelson Fills Vacant Seattle City Council Seat With Concrete Eco-Block
Today Seattle City Council President Sara Nelson announced her decision to fill Teresa Mosqueda’s vacant council seat with Concrete Eco-Block, one of the several concrete blocks that have been illegally stationed outside of Nelson's...
Dog-Owning, Mountain-Climbing Brewmaster Realizes He Hates Dogs, Mountains, Beer
In a moment of inconvenient clarity atop Vesper Peak, one local man who has made his entire personality a combination of dogs, mountaineering, and brewing beer made the extremely unfortunate personal realization today that...
Former SPD Chief Carmen Best’s Team at Microsoft Launches Text Deleter 365
A year and a half after being named Microsoft’s Director of Global Security Risk Operations, today Carmen Best—former Seattle Police Chief during 2020 protests and subsequent East Precinct abandonment—finally announced her team’s highly anticipated...
CEO Assures MLK Would Have Wanted You to Work Today
In and inspiring e-mail to staff who mandatorily worked on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, CEO of local tech firm HustleCorps assured his employees that MLK would have wanted you at work today.
“I just...
