After cleverly stuffing himself in an Olympic hockey lockerroom locker before someone else did, today Vice President JD Vance aka Special Agent 1488 reportedly busted Team USA’s terrorist plot to quote “cut up the ICE.”
“First thing I thought when they cheered after their coach told them to ‘get out there and cut up the ICE’ was ‘Wow, they’re all in on it,’” Vance said in an exclusive CBS interview with Bari Weiss. “Then I thought: How far does this go? The women’s figure skating team? I had to find out. Sure enough, I saw these assassins sharpening blades attached to their shoes like a bunch of sociopaths.”
In the meantime, ICE agents were instructed to stay home in the states for their own safety instead of travel to Italy to offer security to American Winter Olympians as planned.
“It’s probably for the best so they can watch the Super Bowl surrounded by families they’re tearing up,” Vance told Weiss. “Also, none of the Italian restaurants here are Olive Gardens. So far, can’t even find a Buca di Beppo.”
At press time, the number of terrorist plot suspects had expanded to alleged accomplices on the USA Curling Team planning to “sweep the ICE.”
