Starbucks’ bumpy road to relocating much of its workforce to Nashville, Tenn. continued today after the state’s transphobic legislators demanded a genital check of the Starbucks Mermaid before she’s allowed to get a new ID to live and work in the state.
“Mermaids have been hiding the truth about what kinds of genitals they have and where they are located on their bodies since the beginning of time—well, no more,” said Tennessee Senator and Fucking Creep Bill Hagerty. “If she wants to continue employment as the Starbucks mascot in the Volunteer State, she’s gonna have to volunteer showing her seajunk to someone who can confirm her gender and where the hell her mochacloaca or whatever it is has been this whole time.”
While Starbucks had no comment on the minefield of anti-abortion and transphobic policy it’s forcing thousands of its workers to eventually live with in Tennessee, the Starbucks Mermaid said she had to figure out what to do about that state’s right-wing laws all on her own.
“It was bad enough that they wanted me to relocate this far away from the ocean to leech-infested waters while taking a paycut because the cost of living here is lower,” said Starbucks Mermaid. “Now they’re demanding to check my genitals?! How is that any of their business? How is it not enough that I already always have my bare tits out? Never enough for these miserable, greedy perverts.”
At press time, the Starbucks Mermaid nonetheless seemed to acquiesce to legislators’ demands as she sang for them all to swim out to the middle of Percy Priest Lake to see if she really does have a macchiacloaca.
