Today the area’s richest residents and corporations came together on the Seattle Waterfront to announce that the Millionaires Tax—which would make a small fraction of people here pay a partial income tax for the first time—has completely erased the only reason there ever was to live or do business in the sad, barren wasteland known as the state of Washington.
“Clearly, the only reason anyone would live in this desolate land is to take advantage of never paying a state income tax,” said Starbucks VP of Coffee Syrups Lara Pilson, as an orca jumped out of the sparkling Puget Sound waters at sunset with Mount Rainier glowing hot pink in the distance. “And now that the state’s richest residents will one day have to pay 9% on annual income over one million dollars, there’s literally not a single reason I can think of to stay here—this ugly, horrible, unpleasant place packed with the most nature-loving, college-educated population per capita in the country is finished.”
While Starbucks’ CEO Brian Niccol may love living in California so much he’s willing to not only pay a 13% income tax on all of his $1.6M annual salary but commute to Seattle by private jet from it, he warned Washington it is no California just because they’re also on the West Coast.
“Don’t let the masses of California transplants that move here and stay here fool you when they say they like that this place actually has water and four whole seasons—they’re only here to not pay income taxes,” Niccol said. “Your sports teams, endless hiking trails, walkable neighborhoods, public transit, and progressive politics offers no meaningful quality-of-life advantage over living in conservative, income tax-free states in Tornado and Hurricane Alleys.”
At press time, the rest of the barren wasteland’s residents were just wondering what was taking their displeased rich overlords so long to put their houses with disgusting views of the Mountain, Cascades and Olympics on the market for bottom dollar.
