After yet another week of hearing humans ask them to sink billionaire yachts for them, today local orca pods announced they’re getting a little sick and tired of being asked all the time to do humans’ dirty work for them.
“It’s always ‘Hey, take Zuck to Davy Jones Locker this, pop Peter Thiel a 100 feet into the air and then eat his liver that—when are you land whales gonna finally step up to these guys yourselves?” asked J-Pod matriarch Hy’shqa. “Have you guys taken a turn bashing your head into a rich bastard’s yacht even once? No, but you want us to keep doing it. You’re really gonna just keep asking my endangered ass to handle this? No, that’s not fair. I mean, this is getting pathetic—you guys at least have to start charging these motherfuckers on these superyachts a toll for fully stopping traffic and opening a whole bridge or barely fitting through the Ballard Locks.”
The orcas clarified that while they’re still fully on the side of humans who don’t want evil billionaires to rule the Earth, they just can’t win the fight for everyone’s future all on their own.
“We know it’s a little easier for us to get away with blowing a hole in the hull of some rich asshole’s yacht because we’re cute and the strongest predators on Earth and we’re bigger than a jail cell, but do we really have to do it all for you?” Hy’shqa said. “Zuck’s yacht is sitting right there in your face like a giant fish in a barrel without a single egg, tomato or Seattle Dog thrown at it. Look, if Zuck’s superyacht happens to cross our hunting path, we’ll be happy to tear his toy to pieces, but we’re busy out here just trying to keep our babies alive just like you are and you cowards gotta do your part.”
At press time, Seattleites were seen dumping as much salmon as possible into Lake Union in hopes of still luring local orca pods in to put on the best show the lake’s ever seen.
