Although initially looking forward to it when they put it on their calendars four years ago, today Seattle residents realizing the first World Cup match in their city is almost here started frantically looking for plausible excuses for getting out of it.
“So sorry to do this, but is there any way we could reschedule for August? I just have a lot going on and don’t have the bandwidth right now. Cramming in a lot of work before heading out for vacation—you know how it is,” typed Jessica Peterson on her phone before deleting it. “No, no, no—I should just say my grandma died and I have to go to the funeral this next week in another state. Right? Or have too many people heard me use that excuse before? I’ll just say it’s an aunt’s funeral. I’m feeling better about that one. Okay, ‘Hey there!! So we know the timing isn’t great, but this year isn’t going to work for us. Aunt in Ohio ☠👻. 😭😭😭. Please tell Belgium and Egypt we said hi!”
As thousands of texts canceling plans for going to the matches and surrounding festivities started pouring in to local World Cup event organizers in Seattle, some said they weren’t necessarily shocked but still disappointed.
“Yeah, I just kind of think four years is enough time to plan for making this happen, and no we can’t just do this in August instead—God, I knew they would do this,” said FIFA World Cup Seattle CEO Peter Tomozawa, shaking his head at the pathetic excuses Seattleites were texting in with way too many emojis. “I know there’s a lot of unforseen circumanstances that can get in the way of following through on plans like a facsist government that’s always putting everyone on-edge or whatever, but if Iran’s soccer team can manage to still get here, I’m sorry, you can too, no excuses.”
At press time, Seattleites who had already texted in their excuses in hopes of enjoying the liberating high of canceling plans were instead planning to writhe in guilt-ridden anxiety until the World Cup hopefully texts back “no worries!”
