Today local public transit authority Sound Transit officials said that if light rail riders keep ignoring posted warning signs about standing at a safe distance from trains, giving seats to disabled passengers, and paying fares, it will have no choice but to unleash Dark Rail.
“We’ll say it one last time: Stay behind the yellow line and put the weed pen away, Kevin, or we’ll transmute your sweet, humble light rail into Dark Rail, Tormentor of Toxic Transit Takers,” said Sound Transit spokesperson and sorceress Morgan Le Grey. “You think the light rail went off the rails earlier this month? You think there aren’t enough on-time trains or functioning station escalators now? You haven’t seen anything yet—I mean, unless you’ve ever stood on the wrong side of an escalator in D.C., then you probably get the idea.”
Asked what brought Sound Transit to the point of summoning light rail’s dark alter ego from another dimension, the agency said too many have been taking for granted how nice light rail’s been to everyone even through hard times.
“When that lady in the red Mazda drove not only onto light rail’s tracks but into its elevated station, did light rail run her over? No,” Le Grey said. “When rich people on the Eastside kept saying for years she wasn’t welcome over there, did she still bless us with beautiful Crosslake Connection views of Lake Washington and Mount Rainier? Yes, she did. But she has to draw the line somewhere and it’s a yellow one you need to stand behind, or else, you hear?”
At press time, Sound Transit confirmed light rail’s version of villain era as Dark Rail is actually just going no-contact with everyone who didn’t respect her clearly and repeatedly stated boundaries.
