In more proof that crime rates aren’t as high as people make them seem sometimes, today a study confirmed that Siren-related deaths among sailors here and across the high seas are way down millennium over millennium.
“We actually haven’t seen any cases of sailors being lured to their deaths by the hypnotic and enchanting voice of a siren since like 300 BCE,” said UW Anthropologist Rob Telemackus. “The closest thing we’ve come to that in the last 2,000 years or so is a fishing boat captain purposefully crashing his ship into a rocky shoreline after accidentally playing ‘California Gurls’ on Spotify.”
The news that the rates of death by beautiful singing mermaids dragging you down to the briny depths have been exaggerated for quite some time came as a relief to Seafair Pirates when they sailed into Seattle last weekend.
“You always hear that Seattle is so violent because the Starbucks Siren is just out there luring every sailor in the Puget Sound with her beautiful voice and offer of a sip of her frap to a murky grave, but that didn’t happen at all when we landed at Alki last weekend,” said Seafair Pirate Captain Kidd. “It’s actually been a really nice visit so far, especially with so many happy World Cup tourists on the Waterfront to chase and traumatize for life.”
Statistics released by the United States Coast Guard back up study’s findings, showing that death by Siren ranked as the lowest cause of death among sailors in 2025.
“We did have one instance where a fisherman claimed he encountered a Siren, but it turned out he was just hallucinating from scurvy,” said Coast Guard Captain Wyatt Whitman. “The poor bastard was out at sea for six months and didn’t have a lick of vitamin C the whole time. He eventually succumbed to internal haemorrhaging and good god it was not a painless death. We kept it listed as a Siren death though because it sounds way cooler.”
At press time, all Washington State Ferries were still grounded out of an abundance of caution after the PWHL New York Sirens were spotted in Seattle for an exhibition game.
