After raising eyebrows the last two weeks as he wore the American flag like a cape and led patriotic chants all across Seattle, local US World Cup Team fan Vincent James assured his fellow leftists he fully plans to go back to being completely ashamed of his country for the 4th of July.
“I know watching me paint my face in red, white and blue has created doubts about whether I will join you to shame anyone stupid enough to actually celebrate this jenosidal, capitalist war machine we call the United States on the 4th of July with apple pie, ice cream and fireworks, but I assure you I will be there right alongside you,” said James. “I can think of no better way to celebrate her 250th anniversary this year than reminding her she deserves no celebration – that is, unless of course the US Men’s World Cup Team keeps advancing toward the Finals on any other day in July.”
James—who’s been wearing the same pair of American flag underwear since the US Men’s soccer team won their first World Cup match two weeks ago—has long joined local lefties in scoffing at anyone festively decorating their homes for the nation’s birthday.
“After all the horrible things this country has done here at home and abroad, how can anyone be so proud of this country that they stay up all night partying and setting off fireworks?” James said while making sure he had enough bottle rockets in the garage in case the US beats Bosnia here in Seattle this Wednesday. “The only reason to ever be that proud of this country is if an American team wins a game run by the same league that gave our president the first FIFA Peace Prize. Look, I know that makes no sense—just let me have this.”
At press time, local right-wingers having the time of their lives going to Seattle World Cup matches were also assuring fellow conservatives that as soon as the tournament is over they’ll also go right back to talking about what an unsalvagable abomination Seattle is.
