After years of debate, Washington State University paleontologists believe a fossil just discovered at The Gorge finally proves that the early Ford Raptor did in fact have feathers.
“As you can see clearly here, it seems to have had quite the plummage but mostly across its grille for some reason,” said the WSU team’s lead researcher and bro, Dr. Chad Bozeman as he bit into a turkey sub and carefully brushed dust off the feathered Ford. “We suspect sometime around 2010 A.D. it swerved off-road into a ditch, where it became forever immortalized as a fossil that finally proves the Raptor was named after a feathered bird of prey, not—as so many dudes on Reddit have long theorized—velociraptors from Jurrasic Park.”
Despite its feathers, Dr. Bozeman believes the first-generation Ford Raptor, subspecies F-150 SVT, did not fly and was still mostly land based.
“It seems to have a moveable chassis that allowed it to stand up on his hind wheels and accelerate at a high rate of speed mostly on land to impress potential mates and better hunt small prey like Priuses,” Dr. Bozeman said. “Perhaps the raptor found itself in the Gorge after a failed attempt to fly across it—we may never know. What we do know, thanks to newly discovered cave paintings in the Yakima Valley depicting what may be the world’s first ‘truck guy’ and speech bubble, is that these Raptors apparently ‘would look so sick with a lift kit on it.’”
At press time, Wazzu paleontologists had also reportedly found compelling yet surprising evidence that the Ford Raptor had somehow evolved from a Ford Thunderbird.
