‘You Didn’t See Shit,’ Local Says to California Tourist Witnessing Sunny Seattle Spring
As locals basked in sunshine utterly surrounded by greenery, flowers, sparkling waters, and unbeatable snow-capped mountain views almost too beautiful together to be true,...
New Study Shows Bellevue Exists Outside of Work Hours
A shocking new study conducted by a team of Seattleites who crossed the treacherous waters of Lake Washington by light rail over the weekend...
Southern Resident Conservation Groups Against More Affordable Housing Just Assuming Orcas Also Racist
Assuming Southern Residents are just as afraid of living next to more coloreds and poors as they are, today a coalition of orca-loving conservatives...
Uninvaded Seattle Beginning to Feel Like Trump Doesn’t Even Think It Has Antifa Anymore
As the city watched the Trump administration focus its ire and extrajudicial forces on just about every other liberal bubble in the country, today...
Rep. Pramila Jayapal Endorses both Seahawks and Patriots
After months of 99.9% of her constituents asking her to root for the Seahawks, Seattle Congresswoman Rep. Pramila Jayapal announced to the surprised delight...
JD Vance Busts Team USA’s Terrorist Plot to ‘Cut Up the ICE’
After cleverly stuffing himself in an Olympic hockey lockerroom locker before someone else did, today Vice President JD Vance aka Special Agent 1488 reportedly...
Ravenous Gum Wall Ensnares, Consumes 4th Child This Month
Concerns over the famed Pike Place Gum Wall have been renewed after recent reports indicate that the disgusting tourist attraction consumed its 4th child...
Capitol Hill Dick’s to Compete Against New McDonald’s with Even Stickier, Hairier Ball Pit
After rumors that a McDonalds is opening just up the street in the old vacant Rite-Aid building on Broadway, today Dick’s announced it’s prepared...
Seattle Man Leaves Out Plate of Cheese for When St. Rat Comes Up Through Toilet Tonight
With barely contained excitement, one Seattle man left out a special plate of cheese and milk for when St. Rat comes up through his...
Gov. Ferguson Backs Millionaire Tax After Ghost of Christmas Future Shows Him Losing In 2028 If He Doesn’t
In a stunning 180, today Gov. Bob Ferguson announced his support for a state income tax on millionaires after the Ghost of Christmas Future...
