‘Championship Parades Are for Losers,’ Says Mariners Fan Who Wakes to Wet World Series Dream Daily
Asked if he attended the raucous Seattle Sounders’ MLS Cup Championship Parade through Downtown Seattle Tuesday, longtime Seattle Mariners fan Jimmy Slater said no as emphatically as the Mariner fans screamed in the pouring...
Bobsled Competitor Details Rigorous Off-season Training at Wild Waves Theme Park
Local Olympic bobsledder phenom Will Hildegaard said part of how he keeps his competitive edge year-round is his off-season training at Wild Waves Theme Park in Federal Way.
“You wouldn’t believe how some of the...
Mariners Reportedly Almost Reeled in Ohtani with $200,000, Unlimited Supply of Pike Place Market Fish
Although they ultimately lost out the bidding wars for the most desired baseball player in the world over the weekend to the Los Angeles Dodgers’ history-making $700 million contract, today sources report the Mariners...
Mariners Ready to Pretend Pandemic Only Thing Keeping Fans Away
With hopes that a cancelled season could have been their best yet dashed by a delayed schedule beginning July 24, the Seattle Mariners organization said they’re fully prepared to pretend the pandemic is the...
Mariners Fans Still Skeptical They’ll Make Playoffs
After the Mariners triumphantly broke the longest playoff drought in men’s professional sports history Friday night, Seattle M’s fans confessed they’re still highly skeptical that they’ll make the playoffs this year.
“I mean, sure, I...
Mariners Announce Plans to Drop Out of Season
Following a catastrophic performance against the Los Angeles Angels, the Seattle Mariners announced today that they plan to bow out of this season’s pennant race.
“Nothing can get in the way of saving the AL...
Seattle Forced to Drive Portland to Soccer Practice
After recently acquiring a driver’s licence, Seattle is being forced to drive Portland to soccer practice this afternoon.
The news came in from a text message containing three eye-roll emojis sent by Seattle to...
New COVID Vaccine Lottery Threatens Non-compliant Citizens with Mariners Tickets
Following the announcement of cash incentive lotteries for vaccinated citizens, Governor Jay Inslee warned today that the state will also roll out a parallel punishment lottery that will threaten non-compliant citizens with free Mariners...
Bark at the Park Night Game Postponed After 9,000 Dogs Run on Field to Chase Baseball
Chaos erupted at T-Mobile Park tonight, postponing the Mariners’ sold-out ‘Bark at the Park’ game, after a flurry of furry four-legged friends rushed the field to chase after the baseball.
“I don’t know how we...
UW Students Protest New ‘Bowser Center for Esports’ Arena Named For Historic Tyrant
The University of Washington’s new
Esports arena has found itself mired in controversy following the decision to
name it for Bowser, who many with any common sense consider a historic tyrant.
“Of all the things they could...
