‘Championship Parades Are for Losers,’ Says Mariners Fan Who Wakes to Wet World Series Dream Daily
Asked if he attended the raucous Seattle Sounders’ MLS Cup Championship Parade through Downtown Seattle Tuesday, longtime Seattle Mariners fan Jimmy Slater said no...
Pete Carroll Replaces Gum with Turkey Giblet
Looking to rebound from the recent retirement announcement of his longtime chewing gum, today Seahawks coach and chronic masticator Pete Carroll revealed what’s already...
Seattle Mariners Announce You Are Playing Outfield Next Season in Latest Cost-Saving Move
Despite bragging about being the most profitable team in baseball just last year, today the Seattle Mariners have announced that you will be playing...
Mariners Ready to Pretend Pandemic Only Thing Keeping Fans Away
With hopes that a cancelled season could have been their best yet dashed by a delayed schedule beginning July 24, the Seattle Mariners organization...
God Clears Schedule to Watch Russell Wilson Smite the Seahawks
Ahead of a Monday Night Football matchup between the Seattle Seahawks and Denver Broncos, God has reportedly cleared his schedule to watch Russell Wilson’s...
Report: World Cup Games Slated to Be Played in Seattle Will Now Be Filmed in Vancouver
While the world is distracted by the Paris Olympic games beginning this week, today FIFA quietly announced that the six 2026 World Cup games...
Seattle Forced to Drive Portland to Soccer Practice
After recently acquiring a driver’s licence, Seattle is being forced to drive Portland to soccer practice this afternoon.
The news came in from a...
Local Idiot Thinks SoDo Has Always Meant ‘South Of Downtown’
Several Seattle historians are reporting today that local idiot Kyle Bennington actually thought SoDo stood for “south of downtown” instead of what it obviously...
Space Needle Responds to Kraken Loss with Impulsive Dye Job
In an effort to prove to the city that it’s absolutely “fine” and excited to turn a new leaf after the Kraken’s close Game...
UW Students Protest New ‘Bowser Center for Esports’ Arena Named For Historic Tyrant
The University of Washington’s new
Esports arena has found itself mired in controversy following the decision to
name it for Bowser, who many with any common...
