Ballard voter beats 8 p.m. buzzer with last-second ballot dunk
In an unforgettable match-up against a host of all-star inner demons -- including procrastination, cynicism, apathy, hopelessness and perfectionism -- Ballard resident Ben Kemp slam-dunked his ballot into a King County Elections drop-off box...
Gatesville Named Official Casket Partner of the National Football League
As the NFL forges ahead with its planned regular season, Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that they have secured a record-breaking sponsorship deal with Gatesville as the official casket partner of the National Football...
Quiz: Is It Organ Failure or Did You Just Watch That Mariners Game?
Your knees are weak, there’s an unmistakable taste of bile in your mouth, and your stomach feels like you’ve just eaten a half-dozen questionable oysters—are you currently in the throes of organ failure, or...
Local Man Exits 12-Year Coma, Asks How Sonics Are Doing
Swedish Medical Center – Local man Michael Ridersen, 53, miraculously woke from a 12-year coma Monday morning feeling so alert that, upon learning it was June 2019, he needed to know immediately how the...
Climate Change Officially Undeniable as Mariners Catch Fire for First Time in Ages
A worldwide consortium of scientists confirmed this morning that climate change is officially undeniable after even the Mariners caught fire for the first time in ages last night.
“Unfortunately, there just isn’t any other way...
Mayor Harrell Still Waiting for ESPN Commentators to Talk About His Complete Sweep of Seattle’s Homeless
Hopeful national sports media won’t overlook how he used his ageless skillset as a high school jock to complete sweeps of Seattle’s homeless at SoDo and Pioneer Square this month, Mayor Bruce Harrell is...
Blue Friday-Dressed Californian Believes He’s ‘Finally Fitting In’
In an adorable show of desperate bandwagoning, one apparently lost Californian confidently wandered into a Downtown Seattle office for today's Blue Friday dressed head-to-toe in Seahawks regalia.
“It’s
the most strangely cute and pathetic thing I’ve...
Bremerton High School Football Coach Swaps Gatorade Cooler with Communion Wine
Emboldened by the Supreme Court’s recent decision that finally allows him to lead group prayers at public school football games on the 50-yard-line, Bremerton High School football coach Joseph Kennedy has now reportedly swapped...
Seattle Mom Encourages Unemployed Son to Contact Seahawks HR Regarding Head Coach Position
Upon hearing the news of Seattle Seahawks’ Head Coach Pete Carrol’s departure, Seattle mom Kathy Davis, 78, is encouraging her unemployed son Patrick, 34, to reach out to the Seahawks’ HR Department.
“You would be...
Pete Carroll Blows Out Jaw, Tears TMJ
In a devastating addition to the Seattle Seahawks' injury report, it appears Head Coach Pete Carroll gnawed into his signature gum so hard this week he blew out his jaw, tearing his TMJ.
Carroll,...
