Hopeful national sports media won’t overlook how he used his ageless skillset as a high school jock to complete sweeps of Seattle’s homeless at SoDo and Pioneer Square this month, Mayor Bruce Harrell is reportedly still patiently waiting for ESPN commentators to include him in their T-Mobile Park coverage of All-Star Week athletes.
“You know what a heavy lift it is to get Seattle police officers to stop investigating rape and sexual assault cases to arrest and jail countless people who are homeless and literally have nowhere else to go? Not hard at all actually, but a sweep is a sweep,” said Harrell, donning a 47-year-old letterman jacket for good luck as he watched ESPN with bated breath. “If they cover the Kraken making a NHL record-breaking on-the-road sweep, and the Mariners sweeping the measly Oakland A’s for the first time in three decades, why wouldn’t they cover how a talented former high school linebacker successfully valued making his city look good to a bunch of people who don’t live here over the actual public safety of people who live here. Can you knock someone struggling with mental illness and no shelter straight into a jail cell no questions asked, Julio Rodriguez? Didn’t think so.”
National and local media still have until the All-Star Game on Tuesday, July 11 to take notice though.
“I just feel like my track record of boldly blowing millions of dollars on sweeps despite all the haters saying decades of research show such strategies only exacerbate the underlying issues that create visible homelessness isn’t getting noticed enough,” Harrell said, sounding a little dejected at the thought of not being noticed. “It’s nice my athleticism got in some local papers in high school, but I’m ready for the national stage now with these numbers I’m putting up. If this typical high school jock bully behavior doesn’t get me there, I don’t know what will.”
Although at press time there still was no national coverage of Mayor Harrell’s record of sweeps, a group of FIFA Councilmembers preparing for a 2026 Seattle World Cup are reportedly telling him to never lose hope.
