In anticipation of the USA’s World Cup match in Seattle against heavily favored Australia today President Donald Trump signed an Executive Order allowing the US men’s team to use guns.
“Someone shooting guns any time I feel like I’m not going to perform well at an event I wish I could leave early has worked wonders for me, and I know it will for the US Men’s Soccer Team too,” said President Trump as he presented the totally not autopen-signed Executive Order. “So just have someone on the team fire a couple rounds before or during the match and make it snappy because Kash will be eagerly waiting to hang out with you in the locker room. I’ll make sure FIFA postpones a rematch until it can be played even more safely inside my ballroom by UFC fighters with guns, streamed exclusively on Paramount.”
Several of Trump’s closest allies, including Vice President JD Vance, voiced their support over Trump’s most recent decision despite the immediate backlash from the woke, anti-murder Left.
“This is just another amazing idea in a laundry list of amazing ideas our President has come up with,” said Vance while watching the text bubbles underneath his texts to Usha Vance disappear. “Look, I get it: A lot of people are uncomfortable with the idea of our team using firearms on the sports field or turf or whatever it’s called, but all I’ll say to them is we’re not the only team using weapons in this tournament. France has Mbappé and now we have AR15s.”
Later in the tournament, Team USA still fell to Switzerland 4-0 in the round of 16 despite shooting half their team.
