Today Mayor Katie Wilson announced she’s already fired Seattle’s next police chief after he somehow teargassed Capitol Hill, deleted public records, hired someone to have an affair on the job with, and threatened to fight a reporter all before 9 a.m.
“I had been hoping to happily introduce you to Interim Police Chief Andre Sayles this morning, but unfortunately he got such a head start on the job that instead I am announcing he’s already fired,” said Mayor Wilson, now tasked with hiring the city’s seventh police chief in a decade. “I nonetheless want to thank Chief Sayles for his service in the role. I think we can all agree that packing what usually takes Seattle police chiefs two years to accomplish into 16 hours is honestly quite impressive.”
As he sipped a piña colada on a yacht in Lake Washington waiting to watch his first and last Seafair airshow, former Seattle Police Chief Shon Barnes wished Mayor Wilson good luck finding someone the city won’t want to see canned within two years.
“Well, well, well, not so easy to find a literally remotely competent hire for any role at the Seattle Police Department, now is it?” said Barnes. “You think having a police chief who lives 2,000 miles away in Chicago is bad? See if you can even get one who lives in Peoria now, motherfuckers, MUAHAHAHAHA.”
Mayor Wilson said a national search for a new person paid to pretend they run the Seattle Police Department while sociopathic police union leaders actually do will begin next week.
