As fans unveiled Mariners legend Randy Johnson’s retired number tonight, many were delighted to discover the confetti raining down on them was actually an explosion of feathers.
“There’s no better way to commemorate everything The Big Unit gave to this team than reminding everyone once again he’s the guy whose pitch exploded a bird into a poof of feathers one time,” said Mariners owner John Stanton as a sea of feathers shot out of confetti canons. “Also no better way to get back at the seagulls who divebombed my French fries on the waterfront last weekend.”
Johnson said he was honored by the personal touch added to the ceremony.
“Heh, heh, yeah cool, that’s great,” said Johnson picking feathers off his uniform while trying to suppress unwanted flashbacks to the time he accidentally murdered a bird on live television in 2001. “Whatever helps block out that I won the World Series for the D-backs instead that year.”
At press time, morning doves and seagulls were reportedly still outside T-Mobile Park protesting the crimes of rampant fastballs and French fry-hoarding.
