Spoiled Mariners Fan Wanted AL Pennant Too
Sources are confirming that one local spoiled Mariners fan is upset the team is only going to be AL West Division Champions this year...
Zombie Humpy Not Dead Yet, Just Looks Like It
Mariners fans concerned Humpy partied too hard after winning his first two Salmon Runs this month were assured today that—despite his body’s obvious exponential...
DSM-5 Now Includes Mariners Fanhood as a Legitimate Form of Depression
After years of vacillation about whether it should be officially labeled a psychological disorder, the National Order of Psychiatrists confirmed today that they’ve added...
Mariners Fans Still Skeptical They’ll Be AL West Champs
After the Mariners triumphantly broke a 24-year division title drought Wednesday night, Seattle M’s fans confessed they’re still highly skeptical that they have a...
Ichiro Comedy Special Somehow Already Up on Netflix
Just a day after his unexpectedly humorous National Baseball Hall of Fame induction speech, Mariners legend Ichiro Suzuki somehow already has an hourlong standup...
Mariners Honor Big Dumper by Transforming ‘Hit It Here Cafe’ into ‘The Dump’
The Mariners announced their decision to honor Cal 'Big Dumper' Raleigh today by transforming the "Hit It Here Café” into “The Dump.”
"Cal has hit...
Sonics Fans Reach NBA Final Stage of Grief
After the team that was once the SuperSonics, the Oklahoma Thunder, won their first NBA Finals Championship since leaving Seattle 17 years ago, sources...
We Hope You’re Happy: Cal Raleigh Just Found Out You’ve Been Calling Him That and Now He’s Crying
Mariners star catcher Cal Raleigh was reportedly reduced to tears today after finding out the nickname Seattleites had been calling him for the past...
Family of Dove Killed by Randy Johnson Protest Number Retirement
The family of a dove blown into a “sea of feathers” by a fastball pitch from Randy Johnson in 2001 are protesting the Mariners...
Jordan Peterson Bursts into Tears, Cancels Climate Pledge Show After Seeing Female-Dominated Workplace
Anti-woke commentator Jordan Peterson reportedly burst into tears and cancelled his show at Climate Pledge Arena today after being confronted with a female-dominated workplace.
"I...
