I Have a Black Friend and 5 Other Reasons What’s Happening in Palestine Isn’t Genocide
A lot of people have been saying what’s happening in Palestine, particularly Gaza, is undoubtedly a genocide. But there’s no way that’s possible, actually, because I have a black friend. Here are five other...
Local Ceasefire Advocates’ Empathy for Dying Children Waning as Russia, China Delay Payment for Supporting Palestine
With rent due in just a few days, local ceasefire advocates say their empathy is running thin for thousands of children dying in the most gruesome and heartbreaking ways imaginable right before their eyes...
‘And What Are You Gonna Do About It?’ Pelosi Tells Young Voters As She Orders FBI to Take Away Their Pokémon Cards
In a move many suspect may be an unproductive way to get President Joe Biden re-elected, today Rep. Nancy Pelosi ordered the FBI to confiscate every Millennial and Gen Z voters’ Pokémon card collections...
Israel Accidentally Convinces PETA to Support Ceasefire After Repeatedly Calling Palestinians Animals
After months of PETA voicing no support for ending the ruthless killing of more than 20,000 human civilians in Palestine, today the organization suddenly announced its support for a permanent ceasefire after Israel unintentionally...
What It Means When Punxsutawney Phil Looks Stoned Out of His Mind
Most years, the future-predicting body language of the world’s favorite groundhog says something pretty straightforward every February 2: Are we gonna have six more weeks of winter or not?
It’s less clear what he’s communicating,...
Team of Male Scientists Discover Moisturizer Also Good for Moisturizing
Lauded as the most exciting scientific discovery of the decade, an all-male material sciences lab has announced Jergens Daily Moisturizer for Dry Hands can be used to restore and replenish dry skin in addition...
‘Ghost of Black Friday Past’ Tramples Man and Takes His TV To Remind Him of True Meaning of Holiday
Today one man received a strong reminder of the importance of holiday spending season after the Ghost of Black Friday Past trampled him and took his TV to show him the true meaning of...
Nation’s Relatives Enjoy Most Peaceful Thanksgiving in Years After Agreeing They Hate Biden, Not Getting Into Why
After years of holiday dinners spiraling out of control at the inevitable mention of anything slightly political, today the nation’s relatives enjoyed the most peaceful Thanksgiving in years when they all agreed they hate...
Biden Continues Unconditional Support for Israel As It Begins Bombing East Palestine, Ohio
In a national address tonight, President Joe Biden re-affirmed that the United States will continue its unconditional support for Israel even as it began bombing East Palestine, Ohio today.
“We’ve got Israel’s back no matter...
Temporary Ceasefire Declared So America Can Fully Focus On Denying Own Genocidal Occupation for Thanksgiving
In a gracious show of solidarity between the nations, today Israel agreed to a temporary ceasefire on Gaza so that its closest ally—the United States—could fully focus on denying its own history of genocidal...
