Venezuela Bombs American Drug Yacht, Wiping Out Entire Sackler Family Cartel
Telling anyone who would listen “now this is how it’s fucking done,” today Venezuela bombed an American drug yacht near the Hamptons, killing all...
Single Lucid Moment in 4 Weeks Praised as ‘Very Presidential’
The President took a momentary pause from hooting at the podium like a monkey congratulating itself for pissing on its own balls today to...
Independent Intergalactic Bookstore Already Out of Business
Despite being in space for less than 10 minutes, reports are pouring in that Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin venture into outer space has already...
Temporary Ceasefire Declared So America Can Fully Focus On Denying Own Genocidal Occupation for Thanksgiving
In a gracious show of solidarity between the nations, today Israel agreed to a temporary ceasefire on Gaza so that its closest ally—the United...
RFK Jr. Vows to Ban Fluoride in Water, Add Lead
Today Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced his intention to finally ban fluoride in the nation's water supply...
Microsoft Says It Only Enabling Israel’s War Crimes, Not Committing Them
After new reports of how closely the local tech giant works with Israel to surveil and kill thousands of Palestinian civilians, today CEO Satya...
COVID-19 Tests Positive for Donald Trump
Despite COVID-19 being 2020’s second most divisive public figure, the world has united to send its thoughts and prayers to the deadly virus after...
How to Honor America’s Presidents by Doing the Bare Minimum
When President’s Day Weekend rolls around, ever find yourself feeling deeply indebted to the souls of Andrew Johnson, Rutherford B. Hayes, or James K....
Boeing Stock Rebounds After Front Half of 737 MAX Lands Safely
After countless potentially deadly mechanical issues tanked the once stellar safety reputation of the nation’s only commercial airplane manufacturer, this morning Boeing stocks finally...
Elon Musk Jolts Awake in Cold Sweat After Recurring Nightmare of Trans Athlete Dunking on Him
Multi-hyphenate tech CEO Elon Musk reportedly jolted awake in a cold sweat today after suffering a recurring nightmare of a transgender athlete dunking on...
