ICE Detains Leaves as They Turn Brown
ICE confirmed today that its agents are in fact now waiting at the base of trees to zip-tie leaves in bags the moment they...
Trump Admits ‘I Only Like Soldiers Who Lose Civil Wars’
Following reports that he sees dead, captured and injured U.S. military soldiers as “suckers” and “losers,” President Donald Trump admitted this afternoon that the...
Mental Health Significantly Worse After Logging on Facebook to Post About Mental Health Day
While advocates for mental health awareness applauded well-intentioned social media efforts on World Mental Health Day, experts warned that just three minutes on the...
Boeing ‘Protecting Its Peace’ by Taking Little Break from Social Media
After the FAA posted a scathing report online today about Boeing’s corporate culture and its disastrous effect on the safety of its planes, the...
Report: Grinch’s Heart Actually Enlarged from Cocaine Use
Contrary to hopes that the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes today due to an expanded ability to love others, a report has just confirmed...
Democratic Leadership Threatens to Drop More F-Bombs
In their strongest stand against the violent federal invasion of Minneapolis this month, today top Democratic officials threatened to drop more F-bombs on ICE...
BREAKING: Supreme Court Rejects Trump Effort to Unseal File Revealing Hamburglar’s Identity
In a damning blow to the Trump administration, the Supreme Court has rejected the president’s last desperate plea to unseal corporate McDonald’s documents containing...
Local Casanova Comes to Bed Wearing Nothing but ‘I Voted’ Sticker
With election results expected to pour in long into the night, one local Casanova wooed his lover by coming to bed wearing nothing but...
Americans Dutifully Follow Biden-Trump Presidential Debate’s No-Audience Rule
Despite very much wanting to listen to two wise, old men with Oval Office experience expound on the best path forward for the best...
National Weather Service Ordered to Deport La Niña
Under the threat of even more mass layoffs, today President Donald Trump ordered the National Weather Service to deport Pacific weather pattern La Niña.
“We...
