National Weather Service Ordered to Deport La Niña
Under the threat of even more mass layoffs, today President Donald Trump ordered the National Weather Service to deport Pacific weather pattern La Niña.
“We...
Sen. Patty Murray Busted Embezzling Extra Hour of Sunshine
Just weeks after re-introducing a legislative effort to make Daylight Savings Time permanent, U.S. Senator for Washington State Patty Murray was busted embezzling the...
Trump Pardons Howard Schultz for Moving Supersonics to Oklahoma City
President Trump's pardon spree continued today after he announced that he would formally pardon Howard Schultz for the unforgivable crime of moving the Seattle...
RFK Jr. Debuts New Free School Lunch Program
In his first order of business after the Senate confirmed him as President Donald Trump’s Health Secretary, today RFK Jr. unveiled the nation’s first...
Leashed Mark Zuckerberg Introduced as Trump’s First Presidential Pet
American history was made today after President Trump introduced a leashed Mark Zuckerberg as his first official presidential pet.
"We always wondered why President Trump...
New Study Finds 90% of Cat Owners Experience oofjfjjggigiiiiifohhhjjfjfjjjjj))))))))))))))
A new study published today suggests that up to 90% of cat owners experience oofjfjjggigiiiiifohhhjjfjfjjjjj)))))))))))))) the moment they leave their keyboard unattended.
"During a new...
Boeing Reflexively Publishes Apology Statement
Despite no evidence that the most tragic airplane crash over U.S. soil in years had anything to do with Boeing’s increasingly questionable manufacturing practices,...
DEI Hero? This Business Leader Only Hires People Used to Working Harder for Way Less Money
As the new presidential administration and his allies aim to kill Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) programs across the country, today one heroic Pacific...
Guy Sighing Loudly While Waiting for Prescription Charged With Domestic Terrorism
A local man was charged with domestic terrorism today while waiting for a prescription in a Walgreens after his loud sighs were construed as...
Elon Musk Jolts Awake in Cold Sweat After Recurring Nightmare of Trans Athlete Dunking on Him
Multi-hyphenate tech CEO Elon Musk reportedly jolted awake in a cold sweat today after suffering a recurring nightmare of a transgender athlete dunking on...
