Kennedy Center Adds 90 Minutes of RFK Jr.’s Warbled Scatting to Summer Jazz Series
Today the Kennedy Center amended their summer programming calendar to incorporate a full hour and a half of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s scratchy, trilled...
Trump Wishes Himself a Happy Mother’s Day
As hardworking mothers across the country woke up this morning to flowers, breakfasts in bed, and macaroni art, today President Donald Trump told everyone...
Pfizer to Release New Breakthrough Depression Medication Called Money
Researchers at Pfizer announced a breakthrough medication today they say cures depression with an unprecedented 95 percent success rate they’re calling Money.
“Our trials concluded...
Mother Earth Fired for Being DEI Planet
After dutifully serving in her non-partisan role as the planet we live on for 4.5 billion years, Mother Earth was fired in a midnight...
People Overwhelmed by Political News Encouraged to Just Stare at Wall Blankly for a Little While
Mental health experts came together today to remind people overwhelmed by the constant barrage of chaotic political news that there’s nothing better for their...
Republican Lawmakers Warn That Abortion Ban Exceptions Will Lead to Dangerous Shortage of Child Labor
A coalition of Republican lawmakers came together today to warn that any exceptions in state abortion bans would lead to dangerous shortages of child...
God Finally Answers Prayer but Accidentally Hits Reply All
God is profusely apologizing today after accidentally hitting reply all on a long-belated answer to a prayer from follower Timothy Berman asking to finally...
National Weather Service Ordered to Deport La Niña
Under the threat of even more mass layoffs, today President Donald Trump ordered the National Weather Service to deport Pacific weather pattern La Niña.
“We...
Sen. Patty Murray Busted Embezzling Extra Hour of Sunshine
Just weeks after re-introducing a legislative effort to make Daylight Savings Time permanent, U.S. Senator for Washington State Patty Murray was busted embezzling the...
Trump Pardons Howard Schultz for Moving Supersonics to Oklahoma City
President Trump's pardon spree continued today after he announced that he would formally pardon Howard Schultz for the unforgivable crime of moving the Seattle...
