Report: 99% of Nation Totally Willing to Go Along with Flag Day for Chance at Day Off
Despite 99 percent of the nation never really knowing why the seemingly redundant patriotic holiday exists in the first place, a new study shows 99 percent of Americans would finally be willing to at...
Enthusiastic Feminist Accidentally Shatters Debt Ceiling
The nation’s debt ceiling came crashing down today after an enthusiastic feminist flew straight through it, accidentally thinking it was the glass ceiling that’s kept women from being president for 247 years.
“Omg, sorry, everyone!...
Idaho Lawmakers Demand Easter Bunny’s Ovulation Tracker Data
In yet another radically right-wing, unconstitutional move, today Idaho state lawmakers passed a bill demanding all of the Easter Bunny’s ovulation tracker data.
“As a self-proclaimed expert on how reproductive systems and reproductive healthcare work,...
Big Tech Companies Celebrate Employee Appreciation Day by Giving Workers Endless Time Off
Big tech companies like Amazon, Apple, Google and Meta announced this week that they're all taking part in today's Employee Appreciation Day festivities by providing a lucky 10 percent of their workers endless unpaid...
‘Let’s Not Make This Tragedy Political,’ Says Politician Doing Political Job at the Politics Building
A politician took a break from his politics job today to stand outside on the steps of the politics building and chastise citizens asking for a political solution to the latest in an endless...
Guy Who Came Up with Seasonal Affective Disorder Acronym Very Proud of Self
Nearly 30 years after a psychiatric study first described and named the syndrome, scientists are confirming the psychologist who discovered Seasonal Affective Disorder’s acronym, SAD, is still pretty fucking proud of himself.
“You should have...
Local Casanova Comes to Bed Wearing Nothing but ‘I Voted’ Sticker
With election results expected to pour in long into the night, one local Casanova wooed his lover by coming to bed wearing nothing but his ‘I Voted’ sticker.
“Hey cutie, are you a drop box?...
God Crushes Earth in Hydraulic Press for TikTok Video
The Judeo-Christian God went viral today on TikTok after placing the planet earth within his at-home hydraulic press and crushing it until it exploded into a trillion microscopic pieces.
“I had originally spent most of...
‘Congress Is Trash,’ Says Man Whose Record of Voting Is Also Trash
Today the main federal legislative body of the longest-running democracy in the history of human civilization is reportedly complete and utter trash, according to a local man whose lifelong record of voting is also...
Half-staff Flag Just Gonna Stay There a While
One local American flag announced today that it has decided it’s just gonna stick around at half-staff for a while.
“Frankly, I’m exhausted from running up and down this flagpole every time an unspeakable tragedy...
