What It Means When Punxsutawney Phil Looks Stoned Out of His Mind
Most years, the future-predicting body language of the world’s favorite groundhog says something pretty straightforward every February 2: Are we gonna have six more weeks of winter or not?
It’s less clear what he’s communicating,...
Team of Male Scientists Discover Moisturizer Also Good for Moisturizing
Lauded as the most exciting scientific discovery of the decade, an all-male material sciences lab has announced Jergens Daily Moisturizer for Dry Hands can be used to restore and replenish dry skin in addition...
Nation’s Relatives Enjoy Most Peaceful Thanksgiving in Years After Agreeing They Hate Biden, Not Getting Into Why
After years of holiday dinners spiraling out of control at the inevitable mention of anything slightly political, today the nation’s relatives enjoyed the most peaceful Thanksgiving in years when they all agreed they hate...
Temporary Ceasefire Declared So America Can Fully Focus On Denying Own Genocidal Occupation for Thanksgiving
In a gracious show of solidarity between the nations, today Israel agreed to a temporary ceasefire on Gaza so that its closest ally—the United States—could fully focus on denying its own history of genocidal...
Amazon to Withhold Bananas Until Morale Improves
Frustrated with Amazon workers’ slower productivity after being forced to work in the office again, especially during its busiest time of year, today Amazon announced that beginning next week it would be withholding all...
Florida Man Arrested for Stealing Pitbull’s Identity
After a months-long pursuit, today a Florida man was arrested in Miami for committing an alleged identity fraud of beloved Cuban-American rapper Pitbull.
“When we apprehended the man, he was still wearing several of the...
Report: Only People with PhD in Middle Eastern Studies Allowed to Stop Genocide
A report released today by self-described real experts on the Middle East concluded that you’re gonna need a literal PhD in Middle Eastern Studies if you even want to begin publicly talking about ending...
‘There Is No Justification for Terrorism,’ Says Man Justifying Genocide
Today it was bravely declared that there is no justification for terrorism—no history or circumstances past, present, or future—by a man justifying the far more practical and kind act of complete genocide.
“I’ve said it...
Bezos Surprised, Delighted More People Suddenly Support Him Going Back to Space for Some Reason
Admittedly a little crestfallen so many people criticized his first trip to outer space two years ago, billionaire and former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos said today he was genuinely touched and a little bewildered...
Elon Musk Cheers OceanGate on Success of Submersible Implosion
Even though the ill-fated Titan did not accomplish all of its desired mission goals this week, today CEO Elon Musk tweeted congratulations to OceanGate on the success of the submersible’s implosion.
“I know most people...
