Tragedy Strikes After RFK Jr. Vaccinated By Lone Doctor on Grassy Knoll
Tragedy struck today after Health Secretary Robert Kennedy Jr. was reportedly vaccinated by a lone doctor wielding a long-range syringe from a nearby grassy...
President Announces All Mail-in Gifts Not Delivered By Christmas Don’t Count
In response to allegations that crippling the United States Post Office earlier this year to deter mail-in voting is now resulting in packages not...
Guy Sighing Loudly While Waiting for Prescription Charged With Domestic Terrorism
A local man was charged with domestic terrorism today while waiting for a prescription in a Walgreens after his loud sighs were construed as...
Guy Who Came Up with Seasonal Affective Disorder Acronym Very Proud of Self
Nearly 30 years after a psychiatric study first described and named the syndrome, scientists are confirming the psychologist who discovered Seasonal Affective Disorder’s acronym,...
Leashed Mark Zuckerberg Introduced as Trump’s First Presidential Pet
American history was made today after President Trump introduced a leashed Mark Zuckerberg as his first official presidential pet.
"We always wondered why President Trump...
Local Casanova Comes to Bed Wearing Nothing but ‘I Voted’ Sticker
With election results expected to pour in long into the night, one local Casanova wooed his lover by coming to bed wearing nothing but...
Rudy Giuliani Slips From Shedded Skin to Elude Contact Tracers
CDC officials were left confused and thoroughly disgusted after former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani reportedly shed his outer layer of skin to escape the...
Boeing to Leave Starliner Stuck in Space to Prove It Still Makes Things That Don’t Fall Out of the Sky
After days of speculation about when it will be able to safely detach from the International Space Station and return to Earth, today Boeing...
‘Our Country Is Better Than This,’ Says Country That Has Never Been Better Than This
Today millions of citizens of a country that is not even close to being better than this and never has been talked about how...
Anxious DC Residents Breathe Sigh of Relief as Twisted Tea Semi Arrives at Capitol
A week after a violent mob sieged Congress, tense DC locals looked visibly relieved tonight as the Twisted Tea semi finally arrived at the...
