Enthusiastic Feminist Accidentally Shatters Debt Ceiling
The nation’s debt ceiling came crashing down today after an enthusiastic feminist flew straight through it, accidentally thinking it was the glass ceiling that’s...
Woman Placed in Witness Protection After Feeding Cat Breakfast an Hour Late
A Lynnwood woman has been placed into the Federal Witness Protection program today after she had discovered that her cat, Dr. Meowchi, had repeatedly...
GOP Considers Allowing Women to Vote by Male
Although national Republican leadership are against expanding vote-by-mail access that could reduce virus transmission while increasing participation in this November’s presidential election, all announced...
Desperate CDC Release Genetically Enhanced Super Surgeon to Speed Up Vaccine Rollout
After a broken freezer put hundreds of COVID-19 vaccinations in danger of expiring last night, the CDC reportedly unleashed for the first time a...
NASA’s Perseverance Rover Criticized for Fleeing Crisis-Stricken Earth for Sunny Mars Vacation
The historic landing of the Mars Perseverance Rover has been met with controversy today after many of Earth’s citizens accused the rover of abandoning...
What It Means When Punxsutawney Phil Looks Stoned Out of His Mind
Most years, the future-predicting body language of the world’s favorite groundhog says something pretty straightforward every February 2: Are we gonna have six more...
Study Finds Heart Attack Risk Highest In People About to Be Passed on Sidewalk by E-Scooter
Today heart researchers at the University of Washington announced that the chances of experiencing a heart attack are highest among people about to be...
Guy Who Came Up with Seasonal Affective Disorder Acronym Very Proud of Self
Nearly 30 years after a psychiatric study first described and named the syndrome, scientists are confirming the psychologist who discovered Seasonal Affective Disorder’s acronym,...
Gates Regrets Ties to Sex Offender He Thought Was Only Going to Victimize Children, Not Himself
In his testimony to Congress released this week, Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates said he deeply regretted his ties to convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein...
Ted Cruz Tragically Still Alive at 50
After being forced to watch Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson return from space with no consequences for their continued pillaging of the planet and...
