Mendenhall Glacier Claims It Isn’t Melting, ‘It’s Just Allergies!’
After being spotted dripping everywhere and generally not looking well, today Alaska's Mendenhall Glacier insisted it was only experiencing bad allergies and that it...
Report: 99% of Nation Totally Willing to Go Along with Flag Day for Chance at Day Off
Despite 99 percent of the nation never really knowing why the seemingly redundant patriotic holiday exists in the first place, a new study shows...
Big Tech Companies Celebrate Employee Appreciation Day by Giving Workers Endless Time Off
Big tech companies like Amazon, Apple, Google and Meta announced this week that they're all taking part in today's Employee Appreciation Day festivities by...
BREAKING: Supreme Court Rejects Trump Effort to Unseal File Revealing Hamburglar’s Identity
In a damning blow to the Trump administration, the Supreme Court has rejected the president’s last desperate plea to unseal corporate McDonald’s documents containing...
Boeing Kindly Offers to Fly All Whistleblowers to Their Court Dates on 737 MAX
In a show of cooperation with federal investigations and lawsuits questioning the safety of its plane assembly line practices and policies, today Boeing announced...
Man Achieves Nuclear Fusion Breakthrough With Extra 5 Minutes Boss ‘Gave Back’ to Him After Meeting Ended Early
A stunning scientific milestone was achieved today after a Seattle-based graphic designer achieved stable nuclear fusion generation with the extra time their boss "gave...
Uvalde Police Department Unveils New Thin Yellow Line Flag
To commemorate all the bodily fluids lost while assaulting parents trying to rescue their children from an active shooter, today the Uvalde Police Department...
Heartbreaking: Boeing Layoffs Hit Whistleblower Assassin Department
After a disastrous financial quarter that saw a $355 million loss, today Boeing announced that its latest round of cost-saving layoffs would affect hundreds...
Christmas Canceled After Santa’s Boeing Sleigh Falls Apart
Christmas was reportedly canceled today after the sleigh Santa had commissioned from Boeing fell apart, stranding the holiday deity just outside of SeaTac.
"I told...
God Finally Answers Prayer but Accidentally Hits Reply All
God is profusely apologizing today after accidentally hitting reply all on a long-belated answer to a prayer from follower Timothy Berman asking to finally...
