Leashed Mark Zuckerberg Introduced as Trump’s First Presidential Pet
American history was made today after President Trump introduced a leashed Mark Zuckerberg as his first official presidential pet.
"We always wondered why President Trump...
Boeing Assures Public Blue Angels Are Safe Because They’re Made for the Military, Not You People
After spending the first half of the year obliterating the public’s confidence in their ability to safely assemble planes and spaceships, today Boeing assured...
Trump Adds Insult to Injury as He Reboots ‘Strangers with Candy’ without Stephen Colbert
In a twist of the knife after successfully getting his top-ranked late-night show cancelled, President Donald Trump is reportedly also already rebooting cult comedy...
Bill Nye Awarded Medal of Freedom for Discovering What Happens When You Eat Marshmallows Dipped in Nitrogen
For the extraordinary scientific feat of discovering and then showing as many people as possible what happens when you eat marshmallows dipped in liquid...
Study Finds Heart Attack Risk Highest In People About to Be Passed on Sidewalk by E-Scooter
Today heart researchers at the University of Washington announced that the chances of experiencing a heart attack are highest among people about to be...
Independent Intergalactic Bookstore Already Out of Business
Despite being in space for less than 10 minutes, reports are pouring in that Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin venture into outer space has already...
Uncommitted Delegates Announce They Want to Settle Down, Just Haven’t Met Right Candidate Yet
After being slandered for a week in the media for being nothing but a bunch of promiscuous political players who can’t commit to anyone,...
Boeing ‘Protecting Its Peace’ by Taking Little Break from Social Media
After the FAA posted a scathing report online today about Boeing’s corporate culture and its disastrous effect on the safety of its planes, the...
Mike Pence Quietly Asks FDA to Remove ‘Obscene Little Buttholes’ from Oranges
Amid chaotic crisis planning to
mitigate a global pandemic, Vice President Mike Pence has reportedly also found
the time to quietly ask the FDA to remove...
Single Lucid Moment in 4 Weeks Praised as ‘Very Presidential’
The President took a momentary pause from hooting at the podium like a monkey congratulating itself for pissing on its own balls today to...
