Trickle-Down Economics’ Historic 40-Year Drought Definitely Ending Any Decade Now
As the trickle-down economics policy popularized by President Ronald Reagan enters its 41st year, local economic forecasters maintained that the theory’s historic drought—which has never not been a drought—would be ending any decade now.
“We...
Bezos Surprised, Delighted More People Suddenly Support Him Going Back to Space for Some Reason
Admittedly a little crestfallen so many people criticized his first trip to outer space two years ago, billionaire and former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos said today he was genuinely touched and a little bewildered...
Citing Bone Spurs, Trump Vows to Eliminate Veterans Day
After realizing he had at least four more years of Veterans Days events walking around and caring about anyone but himself, today President-elect Donald Trump announced he’d be canceling future Veterans Days citing bone...
OSHA Announces Mistletoe Buyback Program in Exchange for Sexual Harassment Training
Recognizing the hazards of mistletoe in office settings, OSHA has formed a special task force for a no-questions-asked buyback program to get this dangerous substance off the streets and into the compost where it...
Shrieking Tucker Carlson Flees Bathroom After Saying ‘Antifa’ 3 Times in Mirror
Just as his network hit the highest ratings in cable news history, Fox News host Tucker Carlson was seen running and shrieking from his bathroom to his safe room after reportedly chanting “antifa” three...
Half of America Celebrates Independence Day by Moving to Canada
Millions of Americans celebrated Independence Day today by patriotically packing everything they own up and moving out to live on their own in Canada.
“You babies all think you’re so independent blowing up fireworks when...
Amazon Ends ‘Just Walk Out’ Shopping, Announces ‘Just Walk Out’ Layoffs
After Amazon announced last week that they are ending use of its “Just Walk Out” checkout-free shopping at its grocery stores, today the retail behemoth announced they were pivoting to use the technology to...
Team of Male Scientists Discover Moisturizer Also Good for Moisturizing
Lauded as the most exciting scientific discovery of the decade, an all-male material sciences lab has announced Jergens Daily Moisturizer for Dry Hands can be used to restore and replenish dry skin in addition...
‘Congress Is Trash,’ Says Man Whose Record of Voting Is Also Trash
Today the main federal legislative body of the longest-running democracy in the history of human civilization is reportedly complete and utter trash, according to a local man whose lifelong record of voting is also...
Uvalde Police Department Unveils New Thin Yellow Line Flag
To commemorate all the bodily fluids lost while assaulting parents trying to rescue their children from an active shooter, today the Uvalde Police Department announced its officers would now cover their uniforms, cars and...
