Report: RFK Jr. Dropped Out of Presidential Race to Focus on Longtime Feud With Sasquatch
After several rumors circulated about what Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was going to do with his spare time after dropping out last week, today...
Jeff Bezos Just Wondering If He Can Still Write Off MacKenzie’s Charitable Donations
After a year of witnessing his ex-wife MacKenzie follow through on her Giving Pledge commitment to donate most of her $38 billion divorce settlement...
Artemis II Astronauts Say Microsoft Teams Not Working Either
After experiencing a Microsoft Outlook outage shortly after entering orbit this week, today Artemis II astronauts reported that Teams was also not working either...
GOP Says Mitch McConnell Still Alive, Just Butterfly Now
As pressure mounts for Republicans and the Kentucky senator’s relatives to say if Mitch McConnell is still alive or more than brain dead and...
‘Why Are You Being So Divisive?’ Asks Man Doing Everything in His Power to Hurt You and Everyone You Love
One local man was left confused today after his belligerent quest to hurt you and everyone you love was being met with such political...
U.S. Prison Laborers Still Waiting for Union Army to Show Up and Declare Slavery Over
As the US celebrated Juneteenth—the day Union troops finally arrived in Texas to free black people from slavery—black people still forced to do free...
Half of America Celebrates Independence Day by Moving to Canada
Millions of Americans celebrated Independence Day today by patriotically packing everything they own up and moving out to live on their own in Canada.
“You...
Trickle-Down Economics’ Historic 40-Year Drought Definitely Ending Any Decade Now
As the trickle-down economics policy popularized by President Ronald Reagan enters its 41st year, local economic forecasters maintained that the theory’s historic drought—which has...
Report: Only People with PhD in Middle Eastern Studies Allowed to Stop Genocide
A report released today by self-described real experts on the Middle East concluded that you’re gonna need a literal PhD in Middle Eastern Studies...
At First We Thought Bloomberg Was Just Another Racist Billionaire, But Then He Gave Us Money
We here at The Needling knew our first political endorsement
during our Decide for Me 2020 coverage would be kind of a big deal. As
Seattle’s...
