After days of suffering a fever, cough and chest tightness worrisome enough to warrant hospitalization, doctors have confirmed local Trump supporter Craig Duncan, 45, has tested positive for a completely fabricated Democratic hoax.
“I gotta hand it to that libtard witch Nancy Pelosi and the fake news media that manufactured all the hype around this fictional Democratic pandemic: It feels pretty real right now,” Duncan said before catching his wheezing breath in a phone interview from an isolation room. “I ignored all those stupid, overreacting snowflakes telling me to stay at home because my entire political identity is just thoughtlessly rebelling against anything a liberal proposes – showed ‘em good this time! Hahahaaaaack! Wow, yes this red and green sputum is impressively realistic – Hillary really got the special effects she paid for, I guess.”
Asked if President Trump talking about the hoax as a real pandemic had fooled him, Duncan said “of course not.”
“I’m a well-trained Trump supporter who can hear that dog whistle from a mile away as he continues shaking everyone’s hands in shoulder-to-shoulder live press conferences. It’s just like when he says he’s not racist, sexist, or a conman,” Duncan coughed with a hyperventilating laugh. “I know what he’s really saying: He doesn’t believe it’s a big deal and neither should we. It’s all under control.”
After nurses reportedly rushed to intubate him so the hoax did not completely drown his lungs, Duncan was not available for any further comment.
