December 2020 Refuses to Concede to January 2021
After President Donald Trump finally gave what was essentially a long-awaited concession speech Thursday night, the nation remains in limbo today as December 2020 refuses to concede to January 2021.
"I really thought all of...
Boeing ‘Protecting Its Peace’ by Taking Little Break from Social Media
After the FAA posted a scathing report online today about Boeing’s corporate culture and its disastrous effect on the safety of its planes, the lambasted local plane manufacturer announced that it would be taking...
Nation Confused as Trump Pardons Betty White
Images of Betty White all over social media this morning were met with a mix of relief and confusion as news reports confirmed she was not dead, just granted a last-minute pardon by President...
Ted Cruz Tragically Still Alive at 50
After being forced to watch Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson return from space with no consequences for their continued pillaging of the planet and mankind, America was dealt a further blow today after learning...
Amazon to Offer Prime Deliveries Packed by Certified Humane® “Free Range” Warehouse Workers
Today Amazon announced it’s stepping up once again to solve world problems of their own creation by offering, for a nominal fee, deliveries packaged by Certified Humane® “Free Range” warehouse workers.
“For an additional $5...
Living Presidents Celebrate Presidents’ Day with White Elephant Classified Document Exchange
The Presidents’ Day spirit was alive and well today as all six living U.S. presidents gathered together at a secure location this afternoon to celebrate the holiday with their annual white elephant classified document...
#NeverBiden Camp Sends Thoughts and Prayers to RBG’s Family, All Women
Heartbroken at the loss of Supreme Court legend and equal rights warrior Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the #NeverBiden camp quickly sent her family—as well as all women, immigrants, people of color, the LGBTQ+ community,...
Betsy DeVos Deploys Child Shield to Save Self From Sneezing Man
U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was shaken today following an incident that forced her to grab a nearby child to shield herself from a sneezing man during a local school press conference.
“Ugh, I...
‘And What Are You Gonna Do About It?’ Pelosi Tells Young Voters As She Orders FBI to Take Away Their Pokémon Cards
In a move many suspect may be an unproductive way to get President Joe Biden re-elected, today Rep. Nancy Pelosi ordered the FBI to confiscate every Millennial and Gen Z voters’ Pokémon card collections...
Joe Biden Endorsement Mumbled Under Breath
As August’s Democratic National Convention draws near, Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden has secured another important endorsement today from a local representative who took the time to quietly mumble faint praise under her breath...
