Single Lucid Moment in 4 Weeks Praised as ‘Very Presidential’
The President took a momentary pause from hooting at the podium like a monkey congratulating itself for pissing on its own balls today to briefly acknowledge the gravity of the unprecedented coronavirus pandemic, sending...
Trump Admits ‘I Only Like Soldiers Who Lose Civil Wars’
Following reports that he sees dead, captured and injured U.S. military soldiers as “suckers” and “losers,” President Donald Trump admitted this afternoon that the only kinds of soldiers he respects are the ones who...
Florida Man Arrested for Stealing Pitbull’s Identity
After a months-long pursuit, today a Florida man was arrested in Miami for committing an alleged identity fraud of beloved Cuban-American rapper Pitbull.
“When we apprehended the man, he was still wearing several of the...
COVID Not Mad You Forgot Anniversary, ‘It’s Fine’
Despite the two intimate years you spent intertwined in each other's lives, the COVID-19 virus is reportedly not mad that you forgot the two-year anniversary of the nation’s first reported cases last week, and...
Joe Biden Endorsement Mumbled Under Breath
As August’s Democratic National Convention draws near, Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden has secured another important endorsement today from a local representative who took the time to quietly mumble faint praise under her breath...
Desperate CDC Release Genetically Enhanced Super Surgeon to Speed Up Vaccine Rollout
After a broken freezer put hundreds of COVID-19 vaccinations in danger of expiring last night, the CDC reportedly unleashed for the first time a genetically enhanced super surgeon to Seattle’s Swedish Medical Center to...
New COVID Conspiracy Claims Vaccine Contains Miniaturized School Bus Full of Children
Conspiracy Facebook groups across the internet are spiking with activity today after reports surfaced from conspiracy theorist ‘D33P St8 H8r’ that the much anticipated Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine contains a miniaturized school bus full of...
Howard Schultz Succeeded by New Starbucks CEO Robusto Cappuccini
Despite saying he might testify at a Senate hearing about his coffee conglomerate’s alleged union-busting’s efforts before a planned retirement next month, Howard Schultz suddenly stepped down early at Starbucks this week to be...
Congress Rushes to Draft Emergency Legislation on Israel-Palestine War to Ban Macklemore
Afraid support for Israel’s relentless assaults on Palestine could further wane without taking quick action, Congress is reportedly rushing to draft bipartisan emergency legislation that would once and for all ban Macklemore.
“We banned TikTok...
CDC Replaces At-Home Testing with Sneezing into Someone’s Face, Seeing If They Get Sick
After months of asking for a more updated and reliable way of testing whether they’re infected with the latest variant of Covid, this morning the CDC announced it was officially replacing at-home testing kits...
