Despite saying he might testify at a Senate hearing about his coffee conglomerate’s alleged union-busting’s efforts before a planned retirement next month, Howard Schultz suddenly stepped down early at Starbucks this week to be immediately succeeded today by its new CEO, Robusto Cappuccini
“Ah, mama mia, it woulda been so a-gooda to hear how Howard would have answered questions from Sen. Bernie Sanders about why Starbucks customers can only tip workers at non-unionized cafes ayyy,” said Cappuccini as he adjusted his mustache between emphatic hand gesticulations. “Alas, mi amores, I cannot attend the Senate hearing about the ‘breaking of the onions,’ for I am just Robusto, a silly little Italian man so I guess-a we can all just fuggedaboudit now, eh?”
Despite looking and sounding remarkably close to an offensively Italianized version of 3-time Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz, Cappuccini assured his colleagues and media that they had no relation.
“Aw no-a, I bring-a a whole new vision to the company-a straight from Sicily, eh?” a sweaty Cappuccini said now keeping one finger pinned on his mustache as he continued taking questions. “But you know what great idea I will continue is the new coffee and olive oil-a drink, the Oleato—you know, the completely authentic Italian alternative to bullet-proof coffee that he only brought to market about a decade late-a.”
At press time, Cappuccini was for some reason still rambling on a tangent about all the completely good, rational, and practical reasons his friend Howard Schultz sold the Sonics to Oklahoma City.
“Howard Schultz” photo by Gage Skidmore, with alterations (CC BY-SA 2.0)
