After shooting two innocent fathers dead in the street this last week who ICE admits weren’t even the right guys, today an ICE agent still spattered with blood confirmed he finally found the right guy.
“This guy was sick—he would get paid to hunt the most lovable, hardworking innocent people you’ve ever heard of on their way to work and take them out in broad daylight,” said the ICE agent. “When I read the description of the guy as a cold-blooded murderer who basically is such a loser he probably couldn’t even get hired for a more respectable job if he tried, I knew we would probably have to take him out on the spot.”
Before taking him out, the agent said the right guy was using his vehicle as a weapon.
“People would just be starting their day in the most calm and normal way and then BAM – would just jacknife these victims cars, walk up to their driver side window and shoot them in the face even if their little kid was nearby witnessing it—we’re talking worst of the worst trash in the world,” the ICE agent said. “I guess you could say I’m a hero—you’re welcome.”
At press time, a toast was being raised to the bashful ICE agent by Sen. Lindsey Graham, Sen. Mitch McConnell, and thousands of flames in hell.
